Wanting It All in Everyday Ramblings

This is something growing weed like a block up the street on the sidewalk side of the park. I stopped and looked at these delicate flowers a few nights ago and today I took the camera.

After a damp and gloomy morning it is a lovely late afternoon and good for the weary spirit.

When we were at the beach last month Kes told me her book group was reading Quiet The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I had heard a lot about the book when it came out last year and wasn’t all that interested in it, but something seemed more interesting about it now.

I just finished it this week. It is a fast read, that wasn’t the problem, it is just I have been busy and more likely to fall asleep listening to Fresh Air, or Missed In History podcasts than actually reading.

Boy am I an introvert! By every possible definition she lists in the book that would be me. What the book did was make me aware of how much effort in the “real” world I put into modulating my behavior so that I can get along. At least around my family, after reading it, I have decided to not try so darn hard.

Mr. Finch was quite sensitive to my introversion once he got to know me well and he would constantly push and badger and cajole me into to doing things just on the other side of my comfort zone but he balanced that with lots and lots of time allowing me to be exactly who I am when I am in that comfort zone. He had a knack for balance even though it didn’t feel like that.

So as I unravel all the threads of missing him I realize that it is not only him I miss, but what he did for me. The unique gifts he brought to our companionship.

My private yoga student S. was telling me on Friday that she is getting addicted to working with me and I was laughing and saying, hey, you are doing all the work, I am just giving you direction. She is a classic extrovert. And when she came into the studio her energy was wild and flying all over the place. I came up with a plan to get her to take herself from that place to a grounded sense of calm and relaxation. It was a joy to watch her get there, though that wild energy was a bit resistant to the idea. :)

I have been thinking about what it takes to implement change, the changes we want to make in our lives and how there appear to be many many people who need direction, they don’t appear to be able to maintain a consistent plan of action on their own.

And I was thinking that I am like that with engaging in the world. I need help, a nudge, encouragement, support. Otherwise I am happy as a clam home with Sam, with books (in every conceivable format), podcasts, newspapers and magazines and writing and drawing materials and my camera and food and sunlight and hot water…

It is like I need a personal engagement trainer. Mr. Finch used to call my introversion a social anxiety disorder to other folks when talking about me. I think of it as just being picky about who I spend my time with and how.

I was on the bus on a week ago Saturday and there were so many dysfunctional people on that packed bus I thought the top of my head was going to go flying off.

Luckily that only happens every once in awhile. I felt it in the crowd yesterday at the charity event as well for a short time.

It took me three days to listen to the almost hour and a half long interview with Eddie Izzard promoting his new multi-lingual tour on Nerdist that our former Tall Guy linked too on Facebook but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more brilliant argument for just being yourself and having that be alright.

I want things in my life that to have them I need to push up against the limits of my introversion but nobody is saying that I can’t be reflective, cerebral, bookish, unassuming, bookish, sensitive, thoughtful, bookish, serious, contemplative, subtle, inner-directed, bookish, gentle, calm (on good days) modest, shy and thin-skinned on the days I am not pushing up against those limits.

I want it all. A decent relationship, work I love, recognition for my unique talents and a safe place to fully inhabit the attributes I have been given.

And my problem is?