My thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the future and what I really want. I know that I want to move and start fresh in a new place but I also worry about my problems being way more stressful too.

I have made contact with a couple of landlords there that were supposed to send me the applications but they haven’t so far. I think at this point, what’s meant to be will be and if not, that’s okay too.

The one thing I can say is I do have someone to watch her here that I do trust and can ask pretty much anytime. I like that it’s someone that’s already known my child since she was 3 months old and is affordable because that makes me feel that my kid isn’t just a paycheck. I also like that she’s actually reached out to ME asking to have her because no one else does or probably will. I like having a babysitter that is on a professional level because I feel way more comfortable communicating.

My other cat has been outside since September. I go out everyday to give him food and water and I honestly can’t imagine just leaving him. I know that it’s just a cat and blah blah blah but I can’t leave here unless I know there would be someone to look after him. Summer is coming and he’s all black so I want to make sure that he always has cool water and food.

I can’t imagine staying here but I do think that I need to try and get myself together here first before I try and make everything work somewhere else. I have not worked a real, steady job in about a year an a half so I want to start working again, even if it’s a couple of days a week so I can get back out there.

I’m pretty upset about the inflation and just how expensive things have become. I’m thankful that I do have money in savings but because of gas prices, I plan to combine my trips and not drive any more than I have to. It’s also really frustrating look at grocery prices and how just about everything I buy has gone up in price. I get that it’s probably because of the stimulus checks but at this point, we’re going to need more. I only get so much for my food budget and I plan to penny pinch even more than I normally do.

We have my daughter’s Kindergarten transition thing via Zoom on the 22nd and I’m really interested to attend and see about after school programs and everything. I’ve been told she won’t be able to attend until she’s 6 but I still want information. At this point, I’m only able to work within her school hours and it’s really hard to find a job that’s going to be flexibly with schedules.

I feel for my friend that has put in a lot of time trying to help me find a place and I don’t want to let him down by not moving but I have to move for myself, not for someone else. It’s really important to me that I live life my way, not to please others.

My brother and I got into it yesterday so I doubt we’ll see my niece tonight or over the weekend. I’m always the one to make up with everyone or else I see my kid crushed because she loves everyone and wants to see them. It’s really stressful and frustrating that no one else makes any effort to get along with me and I HAVE to get along with them or my kid suffers.

My daughter and I have been together for a week and had a 2 hour break yesterday. I just wish that we had more people to hang around with because I know she gets tired of being around me and we both need a break from each other. I hope that once she starts actual school that it will be easier to connect with other parents and hopefully she can have friends over. It’s just difficult in this day and age because you can never be too careful and it’s hard to trust anyone.

It would be nice to get out of here and not have to worry about dealing with my family and all the broken parts that keep coming up. I’d also like my Mom to make some effort with my kid, even if was just a phone call. My daughter goes from seeing Grandma pretty consistently to not even a phone call for months at a time. I get that people come and go but my daughter isn’t old enough to understand it yet.

I just can’t help but think that my daughter and I have just never really mattered to anyone unless people are gaining something. I also think my Mom is a predator in her own way. I question how she’s never really listening to anything I say unless it’s about money. I don’t like being questioned about how much money I may have or how she’s asked about my taxes. I also don’t like how she hasn’t respected my boundaries when it comes to my kid and how many times my house has been completely wrecked because she doesn’t pay any attention to my kid when she’s been here but then I’m the bad guy when I finally blow up.

Honestly, I’m just sick of dealing with people that I can’t reason with. They see everything the way they are going to see them and they are going to keep doing the same shit so it’s either roll over and accept it or write them off. I don’t think my daughter is exactly safe in my Mom’s care and I don’t plan for my Mom to watch her again until it’s necessary. I am just sick of feeling like I just live in survival mode and I have to always be one step ahead of everyone and constantly question their motives.

I really don’t believe that anyone gives a flying shit about my daughter or myself. Even my parents have proven they have no more regard for my kid then they’ve had for me all these years and I just don’t think my Mom is a good person to be around my child. My Mom has a lot of her own issues and I’m tired of her hurting my child because I’ve tried to set boundaries with her.

I feel like all I do is clean up the messes everyone else makes and no matter how hard I try to make sure my daughter doesn’t get hurt, but she still does. I constantly feel like I can’t protect her at all because if I let them come around, it’s like a game to them. Just like with her Dad, him seeing her is based on how much abuse I’m willing to tolerate or she doesn’t see him.