Counseling part 2. in Since OD is shutting down....

I woke up this morning and decided I was going to drop my kid off with the babysitter and go to my appointment. I didn’t think I would because gas prices are absolutely insane and I didn’t want to drive to one side of town to another and then back to pick her up.

We go outside to leave and the car wouldn’t start. I needed a jump so I had roadside assistance come. It’s sad that I don’t have anyone to help but again, story of my life.

I was on time to my appointment and we had discussed how being a single Mom really limits me in all areas of my life and how great it would be if her Dad would grow up. I know that it’s never going to happen but it’s hard to not think about it sometimes. He said the next time we meet, we are going to discuss goals for me getting a job and finding childcare. He pointed out that I have self esteem issues that my previous job probably intensified and how I don’t trust anyone.

I text my Mom on Tuesday night and said that there’s no school this week if she wanted to come by herself and see my kid. She responded with, “okay” and we left it at that. I wanted to mention that it would be nice if she would call my kid but I felt the ball is in her court and that’s her decision to make.

I have a lot of thoughts about my parents and I think the biggest problem is neither one of them are willing to make any changes, probably because they are both so used to things being the way they are. My Dad is used to her being a doormat and she’s used to being just that. I get that they have their issues but I refuse to allow it to my affect my daughter and myself. I mentioned texting my Dad and letting him know that I’m not going to dance around the issue anymore and he’s just not to be anywhere near my kid. It’s sad that even with my Mom coming right out and telling him I don’t want him around her that he’s still found ways to do it and I just can’t go along with that anymore.

The whole idea of moving is still on my mind but I have limited time until I have to make a decision as my landlord is looking to list my property. I just know that I would have all the same problems, just in a different place. My friend isn’t willing to help me load any of my stuff or do anything to make this easier and I also don’t want him driving my car as the last time I allowed that shit, I got to replace my brakes and he got us rear-ended.

I think the best thing for now would be to just get a little job, save up money, and seriously start working on myself. I’d rather try to get things worked out here before I try to make them work somewhere else. I do have a babysitter here that I trust and doesn’t charge an arm and a leg and I want to try and establish that there as well, long before I move.

My friend acts like I need to just worry about moving there and then wing everything else but ya can’t really do that when you have a child. I am also the kind of person that likes to have a plan and not just get down there and be totally scared because I don’t have anything arranged for my kid.

I honestly believe that we would have a falling out within 2 weeks of us moving there and not even have a chance in getting settled and feeling comfortable and have to find childcare. I’d like to have time to do things at my own pace and not be scrambling to figure shit out.

Him and I have had a lot of issues, serious ones that have never been talked out and I think it’s because he was in the wrong and knew that he was and ya know, God forbid we take any accountability.

My issue is I’m going to be on my own regardless of where we live but at least here, I do know people and have my brother a mile away. I would hate to think that I’m going to move somewhere and have all the same problems, or even worse and also be stuck there until I’d be able to to move back and then be sitting there wondering why the fuck I spent a shit ton of money to move and still have the same fucking predicament.

He acts like nothing is a big deal and it’s all just easy as hell. It’s not. He likes to remind me how his friend would watch my kid but all they do is sit around and get high all day and do it in the house so my kid would be breathing that shit in. I get that their kids are around it but those are their kids but this one is mine and I’m going to have say in what she’s being exposed to. I even told him the other day that I don’t want to rely on friends to watch my kid as it can get messy and I’d prefer to find childcare elsewhere. Of course, he acted like I was stupid and what I wanted for my kid was just ridiculous.

I’m also the kind of person where nothing ever goes the way it should and if the worse possible thing can happen, it will. I told my best friend the other day that what if his friend did watch my kid and she fell down, broke her leg and got drug tested at the hospital and then I’m going to be in deep shit, all because of other people?! I also don’t want my daughter in a car with someone under the influence as well because he said his friend could pick her up after school but yet, she’d be high and that’s really a liability because if they had a car wreck, insurance wouldn’t cover anything because she’s high!

I’d be more into moving if there was more than just my friend and his friend there but I just don’t feel good about going because I know there would be no social outlet if we were to have a falling out and no matter what he does wrong, I’m always the one to come crawling back. I refuse to put myself in that situation.

I’d rather work on myself for now and plan to move like next year because my kid will be starting first grade and will be able to go to an after school program and then I don’t really have to worry too much about finding care and if I do, it would be a really rare thing. Even now, I like that we have her old daycare lady that’s still watching kids and is always super happy to have her. I like that I have at least one person here that I trust and feel good leaving my child with. I don’t want to ever be in another situation where I have to just put up with whatever. I also want to have a really solid plan of childcare no matter where we are.

I feel like all I’ve ever done is bend my life, dignity, and self respect around what other people want to fit their narrative. My Mom doesn’t want to have to come over to my house because then she will catch hell when she gets back home so that’s got a lot to do with her not being present. It’s like life is all about putting up with other people’s toxicity and lack of respect for boundaries until you completely cut them out.

Part of the reason why I am single is because I’ve decided after tolerating abuse and lack of regard for my feelings, I’m going to live life my way. Being treated like shit my whole pregnancy and having a job that took a hard hit on my self esteem, I’d rather just utilize my time now to get myself in a good place mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s been hard trying to repair myself mentally being a single Mom because so much of my personal stuff has sat on the back burner so I can be the best Mom I can be but now that my daughter is older and goes to school, there’s time to start working on myself.

I have a lot of shit that I need to work through but I think with taking time away from abusive people has really helped. I’ve had a lot of time to really evaluate everything and know what I want for my daughter and myself. I remember when all I did was work and take care of my child and I was a lot happier. I just wish I wouldn’t have worked as much but again, I didn’t have a choice because I had a job that didn’t respect my time but now, I know I’ll never allow that again.

Honestly, I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of years and I just want to be a person that can say no and people respect that. I want to be a person that truly knows my worth and not put up with more than should be allowed. I’d like to have a social life but for now, I have my kid and myself and I like that. I want to just be the best version of myself for her.

My counselor is a dude and it’s hard to talk about my feelings because he’s more into solutions that problems but I want to be able to let out my feelings more. I do enjoy talking to him though because men aren’t nearly as emotional as women and sometimes that’s really helpful.

One of the things that I’ve learned is no matter what other people do and how poorly I’m treated, I’m always the one to reach out and try to fix things and I can’t do it anymore. I’m emotionally tapped the fuck out. Even with my Mom, I’m always made to feel like it’s wrong of me to have boundaries where my child is concerned and that alone makes me never want to speak to her again. My brother said the other day that our parents probably won’t be around in the next few years but I’m not going to be miserable either.

My parents are both terrible people and my Mom has always had underlying motives for being in my life and and my daughter’s life. When she’s asked about my taxes and telling me that people think I have a bunch of money sitting around, I can’t help but wonder how she thinks that’s appropriate. I could understand if I was being asked out of genuine concern but I’m being asked because it’s like they are scared I have money and I’m not handing it over.

The truth is, I do have some money in savings. I don’t really talk about it with anyone, like no one knows because it’s none of their business. One of the things that severally pissed me off was when she had her mail sent to my house and was apparently getting notifications on her phone of what mail was coming to my house, including mine. Like… I’m pushing 40 years old and I don’t get help from my family but yet they are being made aware of my fucking mail?!?!? NO, I’m entitled to my fucking privacy!!! I am still pissed about that and I really hope that since her mail doesn’t come here anymore that she’s no longer getting notifications regarding my mail.

My parents have always pulled this kind of shit too. Probably the reason why this shit pisses me off so bad. I remember not hearing from my Mom for like 8 months and she invites me over to my brother’s house where she’s watching his kid and I think it’s just to ask me about my fucking income tax! Like completely inappropriate!!!! I have paid my own bills all along and supported my child with zero fucking help and this bitch is asking about my money?!?!? Where do bitches get off is my question!!!!