Physically tired. in Since OD is shutting down....

I feel very accomplished today. I got my daughter on the bus and then had my shower and ate breakfast. I picked up my medications and then dived right into cleaning up my daughter’s room. I hauled out 2 full, heavy bags of trash, threw away the crib and organized everything into totes and cleaned up all the clothes. I hurt all over. My right side hurts like I popped a rib out, my feet are killing me and my brain is just on overload.

My anxiety has definitely went down after all the cleaning I’ve done over the weekend. I’m hoping to find a place and get the deposit paid by the end of the week and actually start the process of packing. I plan to take everything off the walls first. Spray everything, wipe all the pictures and pack everything so nothing breaks.

Tomorrow I plan to clean out the over, wipe down the insides of the windows and clean the heater vents. I know there’s still stuff to be thrown away but it’s just little stuff now. I’ve gotten rid of the all the big, awkward stuff so it shouldn’t be too hard to get everything packed and ready to go. I got the letter today that rent went up another $150 and that’s just insane. We live in the shittiest part of town and these places aren’t super big or have anything great like a dishwasher. I’m also not going to miss dealing with all the broken, gross stuff here as they’ve neglected to fix over the years. The mini blind in the kitchen is the same one that’s been there since I moved in 15 years ago. It’s brittle and caked with dust.

My brother said over the weekend that he doesn’t think my friend and I get along well enough for me to live there but I also reminded him that him and my Mom go weeks if not months having any contact with me. I’ve spent years being by myself and I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s plenty of people there that I’d actually be able to rely on for not only emotional support but I could reach out to when I needed someone to hang out with my daughter so I could work or do whatever.

It’s like he knows damn well that none of them are ever going to change and start making effort to be in our lives but he doesn’t want me to leave because then he might have to worry about me. I just don’t get it. He thinks that I should just go for like a week or two before deciding but I’ve already been there enough times and I know that this is what I want to do. I have wanted to move there for the better part of 10 years and I think that it would be a lot more positive.

I just feel so much better getting so much done and I really don’t think moving is going to be that bad. I want my brother to come get some stuff that I don’t want to take with but I don’t want to throw away.

All I know is I don’t want another Summer just sitting here with my kid where we are both bored out of our minds and we have no one to hang out with. The only thing I would be able to do is get a job and fling her back into a daycare and that’s just not something I’m willing to do again. I want to feel that I actually have say over where my kid is and who’s she’s around. I also want to know she’s with people that want to be around her and I know she’s treated alright.

I’m anxiously awaiting my mail tomorrow because I should get my paperwork and be able to start looking for a place. Even if I have to stay here an extra month, I’d be okay with that because it would give me more time to get rid of even more stuff and completely get my affairs in order. I just don’t want to have to rush and forget to do anything. I also plan to clean and make it look really nice in here before heading out.

There's just too many positives about moving that I can't imagine staying. I know I'll miss my brother and his kid but I want to get out of here before my kid's Dad decides to act on the threats he's made. It makes me more paranoid not reacting to his crap because it's only a matter of time before he does something to get my attention. I am honestly concerned about our safety. I don't like that we are within walking distance and the guy is fucking crazy.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes and the main one was getting that PO and then still allowing him to not only be around me, but my daughter, and in my home where he could do anything to us. I wish that once that PO was granted, there would have been no more contact until HE decided to take me to court to see his kid. I made a lot of mistakes because I wanted him to be a Dad more than I ever wanted anything.