Package Deal in Current Events

It is another weekend of attempting to not spend all of my money. This is agony but I do have control. I discovered that about myself in 2019. Fear was in control of everything. All I did with my life was master the art of pretending that the pain wasn’t happening. You’re not hurting when you’re drunk, high, hooking up, making that dumb purchase, having that affair, binge eating etc. We create rituals to feel a sense of control when we are not in control. I wasn’t that out of control when I started my self-improvement journey. I always knew that big things have small beginnings and I promised myself as a child that I would not grow up to become what most kids turn into who have histories like mine.

I don’t believe in equality, I don’t want to be equal to losers. I want to be better than people with weak characters that make poor choices. I don’t care if they feel like it is [insert social justice issue here]-shaming because if I was in their shoes I wouldn’t be able to cope with that level of shame. I would want to improve myself instead of dragging the rest of society down to my level. I’ve been in their shoes, I’ve had their programming and that was because I had an underdeveloped concept of personal responsibility. I refuse to accept any of their personal responsibility. Life is tough, we need to get tougher. We have the ability to respond, we are response-able. The capacity to respond to finite, yes, but our ability to respond is infinite. It’s a god-like power that we all possess. We need to stop placing that power, all of our powers, outside of ourselves.

Spending was always a problem, I’m a torus rising I like to be surrounded by pretty things and collect bath & beauty products. I have also flirted with drinking a little too much here or there. All connections to that died in 2019 when I checked out Russel Brand’s program on Communion. The attachment issues that were making my life unmanageable were far more subtle. All mental. I’ve got the tools to catch myself from slipping back into it. I didn’t expect that program to just be what changes everything overnight.

I keep saying new year old me because after my body expressed healing at the end of December, I couldn’t connect to anything the same way again. I started to connect to the things I lost a connection to in 2019. It feels like I have come full circle. Like I have come back down to earth but older and wiser. It was a package deal and all of my old habits came with it but I have the tools this time around to push through it.

Aside from groceries and essentials, I bought a purple conditioner because I am battling brassy hair. The ends don’t want to lift when I use the purple shampoo. If it doesn’t work, the salon said I could return it for store credit and try another one. Perfect! I also bought satin sheets from Amazon. They were cheap and will probably be even cheaper quality but I’ll at least have more than one set of sheets. I am not breaking the bank here. I also have a decent-sized bonus coming next month. Assuming my country doesn’t pull a Cuba and empty all of our bank accounts overnight. They will have a cover story for the cable news cult who will clap and cheer for that one also. Yes, govern me harder daddy. Those freaks that worship the narrative have no principles, no convictions and stand for nothing. It’s hard not to create an enemy construct with them but I am trying. They are doing their best, it’s just far from good enough.

Anyway, it is my sacred self-care Sunday. I have been up since four this morning which I have accepted as normal. I am absolutely dreading the next daylight savings. I never, and I mean never, adjust to that one. I will not feel fully rested until fall. Nothing will remedy it. Trash, it is absolute trash and I hate it. It’s 7 in the morning now and I am going to start making my spicy tomato chutney. Then I prep my lunches and such for work. Then exercise before I do my coffee enema and Epson salt bath. The bath sucks worse than the enema but it is necessary. I don’t know how people can just see the abnormal clouds and the chemtrails and just shrug it off. Like, we’re just being poisoned and people are like “ok, that’s normal.” Germs don’t cause disease, all that toxic waste does. Whatever, I’ll also do my paws and claws, I wash my hair today and clean up my facial hair etc. Pretty boring and privileged stuff. Then I’ll bask in moisturizer and read a book. The Skyrim game I bought for my console started to lose saved data. That’s annoying so I’m returning it. I have books I need to read anyway.