Chill day. in Since OD is shutting down....

We stayed home and just ate food. Daughter took about a 4 hour nap. I didn’t really nap but enjoyed the peace and quiet. I’ve cleaned up the house so I don’t wake up to a mess in the morning.

I have started some preliminary cleaning and getting rid of stuff. I’ve already hauled out 2 full garbage bags and moved a bunch of shit into a big tote. Monday I plan to get to work on my kid’s room and get rid of a bunch of old clothes and toys that she doesn’t play with. I just want to make it where I know everything that’s left is going to get packed and go with us.

One of my biggest reasons for moving besides wanting a new start is I don’t want the concern of my Dad being around my daughter anymore. I just don’t get how I have had a million and one conversations with my Mom about how deep my concern is but yet every time she goes back to him, it all goes out the window. Even with her and my little brother having concerns of child pornography on his phone and the cops coming to go through it, he STILL finds ways to come around. I was pissed the other day when he brought her over here so I could run to Walmart and I assumed he’d leave but I get home and he was here! I understand that he was sitting outside but to me, it’s still boundary pushing.

I guess the turning point for me was when I had Covid and had to be in the hospital for 2 days and instead of my Mom staying at my house with my kid, she took her home with her! She had my house keys! I assumed she would just go home to grab her stuff and head over to my house but no, she had my damn kid around him for 2 fucking days! Then my older brother tells me that there was something said about my daughter sleeping in the spare bedroom which is really creepy as my parents don’t sleep in the same bed and my Dad sleeps in the living room which is right next to the room where they wanted her to sleep. Uh, no.

I’ll be damned if I am ever made to feel like I don’t have any say over who my kid is around EVER AGAIN. I am her Mother, I’m the one with custody and what I say goes. I know that my Dad is an evil monster and is more than likely capable of hurting my child so I’ve preached over and over and over again how I don’t want him around her but yet my Mom still doesn’t listen! I get that she’s been brainwashed and manipulated for so long that she can’t see out of it but we are not going to put my daughter’s safety and well being up on a shelf because he’s made it impossible to set any kind of boundaries!

I talked about all of this in counseling yesterday too. I was telling him how the cops told me I need to get my daughter into sexual abuse counseling and I couldn’t find a counselor for her because she’s under the age of 6 but he said they have counselors there that could see her. I don’t think he’s ever had the chance to hurt her but I main concern is I don’t want him around her at all. I’ve even told my Mom I don’t even want him going with her to get her from school and the contact needs to be non-existent. I feel like my Mom thinks that I am like this simply because I don’t like him but my personal feelings aren’t even a consideration.

My daughter is the most important person in my life and it’s my duty to keep her safe and I will go to the ends of the Earth to do so. I just feel like if I have ANYTHING to do with my Mom, my daughter’s safety is in jeopardy. I understand that my daughter really loves my Mom but we just aren’t able to have a normal, healthy relationship because of someone else and I’m sick of it. My Mom herself is a very cunning, manipulative, lazy, narcisstic, selfish person even without the help of my Dad and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want a relationship with her anymore.

I’m also sick of feeling like I have to bite my tongue and I can’t have boundaries because as soon as I do, my daughter doesn’t see her and she essentially gets punished because I’ve stood up to my Mom. I always try to say things as nicely as I can and do that several times, then I get a little more direct about stuff and then I finally blow up and then my kid doesn’t get to see her. Then, I tell her I’m sick of my house being destroyed after she’s been here and I’ve mentioned a thousand times about her eating/wasting our food and it ends up in a big falling out. I said something the other day and she responds with, “well you said I can’t be at your house to watch her anymore” so it’s like because I said something, she takes it above and beyond and puts words in my mouth.

My best friend said the other day that I need to set boundaries. Uh, I have tried for years! There’s no such thing as setting boundaries with narcs!!! I’m also pissed about how many job interviews I’ve missed because I had tried to set boundaries so therefore, my daughter doesn’t have a working Mom that gets to financially support her because I made my Mom mad! It’s fucking bullshit and that’s why I’m so glad to be moving and getting the fuck away from these extremely toxic, disfunctional ass people that don’t care any more about my daughter than they’ve ever cared about me.

I’ve also lived here for too long and really don’t see myself ever missing it, just like my last job. I had overstayed and now I get to live with the PTSD. I can honestly say I have people here that I haven’t talked to in at least 10 years that are still out to get me. No one lets go of grudges here and I’ve already dealt with how that’s affected my daughter as well. After I left my last job, I couldn’t get another one because the guy that didn’t put me back on the schedule, called my new job and made sure they probably heard plenty.

I honestly just want a better life for me and my kid. I’d rather live in a place where I know 2 people instead of living in a place where I don’t even know how to get a job without someone fucking it up for me and constantly worry about someone hurting me or my child. Her Dad has made plenty of threats and it’s only a matter of time before he acts on them.