Return of the Unrepentant Complainer in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Insomnia has returned. The insomnia has returned in a stronger way than usual and in such a way as to be causing issues. For instance, this week was supposed to be the start of my Bar Prep Courses. They meet at 9 am. I often work in 9 am court; so 9 am shouldn't be a problem. Add the insomnia? I've missed every class this week. Because no matter when I go to bed? I think the earliest I've been able to actually knock off was 4am. And so, I sleep through my alarm and wake up around 9/9:30. Like clockwork. Heck, even now... I've had a full day, spent time with friends, exercised, all of that.... still can't get to bed.

So I decided I needed to analyze it. I understand that analyzation may get out of hand, that it can be dangerous to be too inside your own head... but I needed to attempt to understand what was going on.

As soon as I hit the pillow and genuinely attempted to sleep... there was that old familiar feeling slowly building within me... that deep, profound, unnecessary rage. I'm getting rather tired of being angry... but I needed to really figure out where it comes from. And since this is a "new batch" that is actively harming my ability to function... I need to get on it. With that in mind... I listed it out. I tried to add solutions in parenthetical references but... some of these "solutions" are semi-pipedreams.

• After calling several psychological and counseling professionals... I am no closer to getting my wife and I into counseling. Not only are all the places saying that there are "no openings for the next several months" but because of that, they "aren't taking on new clients." So, I've finally convinced my wife that we need counseling and it is becoming more apparent that we need it- but I can't find it/get it. (Solution? Attempting to discreetly ask a few natives if they know any counselors or counseling centers I can try.)

• Even after speaking directly with the training attorney at the Iowa Attorney General's Office; I have no job prospects and no job hopefuls. The best he was able to give me? "Work for free. Find an office where you would want to work, and convince them to take you on as a researcher or clerk for no pay. Then after a year or two, you'll hear about the jobs out there and be in a good position to go for them." That is the best I got from a top official in the branch of government I want to work in. (Solution? Cold Call, Office Stalk... I mean, I'm guessing after the bar- I'll just spend a few days a month travelling around to County Attorney's Offices with my hand out like Oliver Twist.)

• Bar Exam studying is already a conundrum. It isn't like studying for finals. Studying for finals involves intense study of a narrow subject for a two hour test. The Bar Exam covers all legal topics and takes three days. I paid a great deal of money to a company to help me study because- without help- the whole thing is just too large to get my head around. But the twelve books I've received and the 4 classes I've missed... not exactly in the best position right now. (Solution? Double Down. Study hard, spend the time, keep at it.)

• Now that law school is finally over, I can step back and assess the damage... and it isn't pretty. Spending that many hours reading and writing and researching led to a considerably sedentary lifestyle. So much so that I am a 5'7" man that weighs 210 lbs. Not. Good. (Solution? I have already begun a daily calisthenics routine. It may not be much, but considering I suffer from a pain disorder... small starting steps lead to a more sustainable workout program.)

• G.D. Money! Money is starting to consume more and more of my thoughts! In order to be healthy, in order to keep pills flowing, in order to do anything and everything-- money is central. Even trying to advance social causes... money is central. This isn't even freaking about paying off law school debts... this is- I've got something wrong with my eyes; haven't seen a Doc because it costs. My "law school weight" has crippled my wardrobe and everything looks terrible on me... but buying new clothes would cost $$ and if I am ever going to lose the added weight, it would be financially irresponsible to have a "replacement wardrobe." There's just... so many reasons why money is central to so many things.

• Issues with my wife are as complicated as ever. Every week her smile, her laugh, something she says, something she does just convinces me that we are a good pair. And I understand that she is freaking out that she's gained 20 lbs but I don't care... I find my wife attractive, I enjoy my wife, and I have been without sexual contact for over two and a half years now. For politically perceptive folks... the last time I had any sexual contact- Muammar il-Qadafi was still alive. Facebook has been a publicly traded IPO for LESS time than my "drought." The last time I had sex was a few weeks before the Muppets movie came out... THE FIRST new ONE. And if you think sex and sexual images pervade the media and seem to be a controlling element around the world... go 31 months without sex, sleeping next to "your lover" every night of those 31 months, and then talk to me about how everywhere sex is in our world. And it is everywhere. And especially as I waited for my wife sexually, I had a lot of hand-experience growing up... and so now, after 18 years... that just isn't enough anymore. It is this bizarre place where- I love my wife, I want to stay loyal to my wife... and NOT all of my problems would be solved by sex (I'm smart enough to understand that)... but I don't know if I can still sleep next to her anymore. And she gets angry about it. She got angry when I stopped wearing the wedding ring; she gets angry when I don't sleep in the bed with her... but... I'll admit it... after all this time, I just need to find some physical affection. Even if it is just me making a female friend that will hug me, cuddle while watching a movie, and just be close to me.