My thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I only worked like 3 and a half hours last night because we didn't stay busy. I'm upset because my paycheck was just enough to cover my rent so there's nothing extra at all so I'm dipping into my savings for cell phone and cable bill. Sometimes I feel like I'm just never going to get ahead. I was trying to do my entrance counseling for college but I kept fucking it up and I'm not sure how but I'm just too tired and grumpy to deal with it right now. I'll worry about it another day. I went and paid my rent, car payment and then I was gonna go get groceries so I could avoid eating fast food all weekend but every place that sells groceries was fucking packed so I had to break down and get fast food for lunch! I'm just feeling so frustrated because there's just never enough time or energy to get shit done and I suffer physically and mentally for it! I'm just so tired of finally having time to get shit done but everywhere I need to go is full of fucking people! I start to wonder if people even have jobs!

Anyways, I've done a lot of thinking about my ex John since yesterday and have decided that it's best for me to not contact him. I know that the only way for me to completely move on from both my ex's is to not have contact with them whatsoever so I can rebuild and I know eventually I'll find a great guy. I just don't feel that contacting my ex's helps at all and actually hinders me from moving on completely. I know that neither one can or will give me what I need or want and to keep having anything to do with either one of them is stupid and crazy. I deserve better than I was treated by either one and I refuse to put myself through any more bullshit with them.

If John was easy to talk to, things would be so different but he's one of those people where rationalizing with him is impossible and you can't communicate with him at all. The last time I saw him he spent about an hour and a half talking about all the things I had done in the past that had upset him but then when I tried to explain why I did the things I did, he couldn't handle it. He said that he would not 'rehash any of the things he said or did since it was in the past' but it was okay for him to do it to me?! I can't even begin to explain how angry that made me and how glad I am for getting away from him and now I've broken away from his abuse, there's no way I'm going back.

I knew that there would come a time where I would no longer care to try and establish something with either ex and that time is now. I feel so strong and happy with the decision to leave them both in my past and think about them every now and again. I'm so happy that I've finally gotten to this point because I now know my worth and I will never again accept anyone to make me feel worthless. I let both of them shit on me, take advantage of me, abuse me, talk to me like I was trash etc etc etc and for me to have anything more to do with them is not gonna happen. Neither one of them are going to change the way they treat me and have made that clear so I have to leave them alone.

I realized the other day that I'm not as lonely anymore and I'm getting comfortable with things how they are. I like having my own place that I don't have to share, I like coming home to an empty house and going to bed naked, I like not having to take care of anyone and I like not having to clean up after other people. I feel incredibly blessed to not have to share my living space. I truly feel like I'm gonna be okay. I don't feel nearly as depressed and down like I used to be.

It's such a good feeling to know when you are gonna be okay. I spent a lot of time believing I couldn't do better than my ex's but now I know that even if I don't find anyone, I'm better off without either one of them. I don't need anyone in my life that makes me feel like they did. I'm finally starting to love myself again and I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me.

Nap time.