More thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s just so cold today and we’ve just hung out inside staying warm. I’ve cleaned and organized some stuff and now my daughter is laying down with her phone and just relaxing. I’ll be surprised if there’s school tomorrow because of the sub zero temps. Ugh, I know she’s ready to be back in school after 4 days but I don’t know if it’s going to happen tomorrow or not.

But yeah, I have done more thinking about moving and I know I desperately want out of this place and would love a fresh start but I’m worried about getting there and not having a plan for my kid and potentially have her 24/7 for about 5 months until she starts school again. I also am not into the idea of my friend’s friend watching her because she doesn’t really spend time with her own kids or enforce them going to school. I also don’t want my kid around people that sit in the house smoking weed all day long.

Even considering that shit makes me angry because I don’t want to ever feel that I don’t have control over what’s going on when it comes to my child. I’ve been made to fee like that too many times just within my own family that I just can’t imagine going somewhere new and put up with shit that I’m already not okay with and the thought of knowing I’d basically HAVE to tolerate it makes me want to throw up.

Ya can’t exactly tell people what to do in their own homes and I would rather just have a solid plan or at least a really good idea of a job and a daycare before I even start packing. I want out of here so bad but moving to a place completely on my own and having to worry about what my kid would potentially be around is just too much.

Another issue is my friend has not been the greatest friend and we’ve had a lot of problems. I’m worried that we would get there and within 2 weeks there would be a falling out and then I have no support whatsoever and then I’d be planning on coming back. We are already established here and I’m just concerned we would go there and things would be insanely worse. I also like knowing I’m going to have a break from my kid because for the first 3 years, my only break was work and my kid being in a daycare more than she was ever at home.

I have never been able to rely on anyone for any reason and I’m pretty closed off at this point. I know I’m an introvert but I think it’s got a lot to do with how much I’ve been used and betrayed. Anytime I’ve ever had friends or much contact with people it only goes well for so long and then there’s a falling out and no matter what the other person has done, I’m always the one to come crawling back.

I take ‘me time’ very seriously now and I truly enjoy knowing I’m going to get a break. My mental health has improved a lot over the past few months because I don’t have a job sucking the life out of me anymore and I’m a lot more in control of my emotions. It’s crazy when I think about how I handle shit now because if some of the stuff that’s happened recently happened even a couple of years ago, heads would fucking roll. I’m now more about no response is a response and I refuse to allow anyone to get the reaction out of me that they so desperately crave.

I’m also happy that my daughter has gotten older and can play by herself more. We sat down and read some books earlier and colored but it’s also nice being able to go to the bathroom and have a minute to myself knowing she’s just fine.

I’ve been thinking a lot about her Dad since yesterday. There’s a part of me that would like to try and message him and see where it goes but I’ve also done the whole ‘just one more conversation’ a million times and everything ends up the same damn way. I know that it’s better for my daughter and myself to just leave him alone. I get why people who have kids end up gravitating back to each other because a child is the ties that bind. I just wish he at least worked and paid child support because I would feel like he’s actually trying but he’s not.

I have serious issues with ever feeling like I HAVE to get along with people or be at someone’s mercy. I like how things are now where my daughter goes to school and I have a babysitter where it’s on a professional level. I don’t have to feel like I have to hang out with someone or be friends with someone so I have a sitter. I just hate feeling like I need anyone because I’ve been used and let down so much. I want to move but I feel like I’d be going from the flames into the fucking fire and just making life harder for us.

I just really hope that everything my kid and I have been through will make sense someday and I’ll be able to see the reason why. I’ve never had any support, even when I was pregnant. My Mom kinda cares but my Dad makes sure that we will never have the relationship that we should have because he’s insecure and selfish. It pains me that things have to be the way they are but I can’t change it.

My family is a fucking joke and so is my kid’s Dad side as well. It’s impossible to even communicate effectively with anyone and that’s why I stay pretty closed off. I’m tired of being pushed into anger and it turns into sadness because there’s nothing I can do. I harbor a lot of guilt because I don’t have better people for my child.

I wish I ever felt like anyone cared. Like, genuine care for either one of us.