Yeah, no. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve done a lot of thinking since last night and realize that since I’d be packing/loading and unpacking by myself then I plan to just stay or find a place here. My friend is already setting the tone for how it would be if I lived there and I refuse to move somewhere that I’m going to have all the same problems but intensified by about 10. Things here aren’t really that bad and I’m able to get a break and start figuring myself out. I’m terrified of moving somewhere and possibly not have a school for my child and have several weeks or months being with my child 24/7 as I’ve done that and it’s taken a huge toll on my mental health.

I also know that I do want friends but I want friends on my terms. I don’t want to feel like I have to hang out with someone or do just what they wanna do as well. I’ve gotten really adjusted to be content in my own company and I want to hang out with people but not a whole lot. I like being able to focus more on my kid and doing my own thing. I get lonely but I don’t want to hang out with people just to fill a void. It’s hard for me to really like anyone and I have a lot of trauma that definitely makes it harder to try and form or maintain relationships.

So there’s this lady on Tik Tok that has a deadbeat baby Daddy and she got his parental rights terminated. I feel like she’s just very bitter, I can see it in her facial expressions. She even shows where the Dad’s name is taken off the birth certificate. I mean, I get where she’s coming from on how if they don’t want to be Dad’s and refuse to pay the child support, it’s okay to just completely cut them off but at some point, your kid is going to come to you and ask about their Dad. For me, I have a birth certificate for my daughter that doesn’t have his name on it yet but I don’t know how I would feel to go out of my way to have it taken off because that person is still 50% of her, ya know?

I admit, I’ve thought about his rights being terminated but I’m not going to do anything on my end just to make it easier for him to play victim. He wouldn’t appreciate not owing future child support or having to worry about me reaching out for any reason, he would just convince everyone that I was just so worried about cutting him out of the equation. As long as child support order is active, he’s able to fight for his rights and he still hasn’t. Once their rights are terminated, the child support stops and I refuse to let him completely off the hook because it would be saying that it’s okay he put my daughter and I through a fucking ringer and now, he’s getting rewarded for piss poor behavior AND there would be severe consequences for me financially by doing that.

He would be crying around about it everyone while deep down, smiling and jumping for absolute joy to never have to worry about the child support or ever being involved. He’s never given a sincere crap about his child and I’m not going to just make it easier on him. The least he could fucking do is pay it but even now, it’s been 8 months without a payment and he actually has an active warrant because he’s now in contempt again. I doubt I’ll ever see another child support payment but I’m never going to just forgive what’s owed or stop the child support so he can get off even more scot free.

But as far as moving across the state, I’m thinking probably hard pass because I don’t want to have even more problems then I do now and things be that much harder because ain’t no one there any more worried about being a support to my daughter and myself than people are here. I don’t want to feel like I literally went out of my way to just make life harder than it already is. We still have 3 months of school and I’m just afraid that things would be worse there and I’d be stuck in a lease so I’d have to wait months before I could even consider moving back.

My friend that lives there…he and I have had a lot of problems. Even when I went to visit 3 different times, there was several falling outs. The last time we were there, he was driving my car and we got rear-ended. He didn’t want to cooperate with the insurance companies and I was livid thinking I would be left holding the bag. I feel like he’s a good friend when he wants to be but is also very selfish, rude, and disrespectful too. I feel that if I moved there, we could end up having too many problems. After we came back from visiting the last time, he and I didn’t talk for about a year and just recently started talking in the past 5 months.

I know that I may have a lot to work as far as communication goes, but I also believe that I deal with a lot of people with narc tendencies so I put up with things for awhile and then I just blow up. I try so hard to communicate where I don’t scream, yell, call people names and then I bite my tongue for awhile and it’s like when I’m nice, whatever I say just falls on deaf ears and then when I’ve finally have enough and completely lose my cool, people don’t try to understand where I’m coming from or try to clear the air, they just go MIA.

I should have gone and started looking for places around here today but my daughter and I did other things. She doesn’t have school again until Tuesday so I’ll probably do it then. I would like to at least see if there’s anything suitable here before I make any kind of decision. I feel like if I’m going to pack up/load everything and clean this place before I leave then I might as well just stay in this area. Because my friend isn’t willing to help, it just sets the tone for how it would be living there.

It’s very frustrating being all on my own and constantly planning everything as a single woman with a child but I don’t have the support system I wish I had. I know I’m a very strong person because I’ve had to be but it would be so nice if just once I could ever have some support, even if it’s just emotional.