Redundant in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

So, this is essentially redundant but… redundant in the right place. In my vanilla journal I made a short note of re-reading some older entries made me melancholy well… the entry in question is actually from this space. From this exact day, in fact. Oh, the… the writing, not the event.

And the writing was definitely about something… beautiful. Magical. Important. So I’m glad it happened. And I’m glad I wrote about it because I don’t think I’d be able to remember it quite as well or quite the same without that writing. And I am honestly happy about it. Happy for the person who I was then for getting that experience. But it’s me so that can’t be the only emotional response. Because happy for Past Me will always spark a present/future anxiety. And for something like that? Something that took over 36 years to happen at all? I think it’s fair to wonder if it’ll ever happen again. To be both curious and maybe a little worried.

As I’ve said previously… it isn’t something I’m actively focusing on anymore. I’m focusing on Work, The Show, Nala, and making sure Nala and I survive until the show is over. And when the show is over, it will be auditions for CLUE. And sure… smaller cast, less likely to be cast… and that’s fine. A few months between Rocky and Shakespeare could be good for me. Spend time trying to get in better shape physically. Spend more time with the dog. Condense the house significantly whether I do move this year or not. I mean… seriously if I don’t get into another show until June (or later if I fail Shakespeare Auditions)… it’s fine. There are things to do to occupy me and my time. But… I’m a hopeless romantic and wanna-be father that… really never got the chance to do either of those things. I’m a very sexual person that (for the most part, all things considered) really haven’t had good consistent experiences with that. It would be nice to have hope that I might someday be able to be a hopeless romantic with a healthy relationship and healthy sex life. But especially lately… I’m to the “I don’t have hope about that” to the point of honestly not even trying for it anymore. At least not lately.

So I guess… that’s another reason to look back, re-read and be happy. Because if it isn’t going to happen again? At least I have one or two stories worth having.

Last updated February 16, 2022