Closure in Bittersweet

I think the act of saying out loud that my father died helped a lot. I told my boss and then I apologized to my trainee if I was short. She didn’t think I had been short tempered at all. Which is good. But I cried a bit. And told some other people who asked about why I got flowers. Cried a bit to the husband and then I feel better.
I also took some Wellbutrin but that just numbs me so much. I stopped crying at movies and songs but I’m not sure that is the best course of action either.

T sent me some flowers at work to make up for being really uncaring when I was feeling emotional. My boss suggested maybe some grief counseling but also said I’m handling things amazingly considering the circumstances. I did my work through the week.

I dont know. I just dont know. I dont overly have a lot of emotions with the medications in my system and that is hard too. Because I just dont feel things well. Except irritation. That one is easy lol. But it also makes sex suck.

In the end. I feel like its going to be easy for closure for me. I Cried when my older brother sent me a form to sign to authorize the realese of his body to him. I think that was the first “real” moment I felt it. Then when talking to my boss, that felt more real. And dnow.. I do feel better. Im really hoping that that was it. That ill just feel better. I do so far, but I just dont know if that is the med I took ( for three days) or just me feeling better about it.

I prefer not taking an antidepressant. I dont like the numbness. I prefer my emotional bubbly self and im more muted with the meds. Ill probably detox from the med and just let it go.
Tomorrow i need to find a notary and get the paperwork notarized and I think once that is done. It will feel more final. But I think the act of saying it out loud helped. Instead of it just being me. Now its known kind of thing....

But i got two bouquets of flowers. One purple roses and daises and one carnations and stargazer lillies. One at work and one at home haha. That was nice :) If they look good come Monday, maybe ill bring them back to work and enjoy them while im there.

Next week is another week. It was hard dealing with training someone while dealing with this shit. But I delt with it. I left an hr early today and came home we had a steak dinner and tomorrow my parents are headed back to AZ. The quiet will continue.