Weather. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s really cold, windy, and snowy today. My daughter is at school so I’m just sitting here. I need to get some stuff from the store but I’m just not really into braving the cold and snow. We’ll pry stay in tonight because I don’t want to drag her out into the crap weather and then drive for several hours but it’s supposed to be nice tomorrow and Sunday so I’m going to ask my lady if she’ll watch her for a bit each day so I can make some money.

My Mom said earlier in the week that she’d watch my kid tonight at my brother’s because she’s staying there overnight to watch his kid but since I stood up to her again, I doubt I’ll hear from her. I’m really getting sick of this vindictive behavior where my child has to miss out because I finally say something to her about her not watching the kids when she’s here. I’m only going to tolerate so much, just like with her Dad and he’s the same way and that’s why I don’t fuck with him anymore.

I just think it’s bullshit that I’ve paid her every time to babysit and come home to my house completely trashed because she doesn’t interact with my kid at all and I have to turn around and replace everything. I’m literally not getting ahead at all. I also think it’s crap that every time she shows up to watch her she says, “I’m just waiting for you to leave and I’m going to start a movie” which means she doesn’t play with my daughter at all so she entertains herself and then the house is a complete mess. It makes me think of my childhood how my parents didn’t interact with us kids at all and I remember always being in my room by myself.

I’ve seen a lot of Tik Toks about women talking about this very subject and how it’s hard for them to play with their kids because their parents were the same way. I find it very important to hang out with my kid, even if it’s just 10 minutes at a time because I don’t want her growing up like I did. I don’t remember my parents ever telling me that they loved me, ask how my day at school was or interacting with me unless they had to. It was emotionally abusive in my opinion.

My daughter is truly an amazing soul and I thank God for her everyday. I wish there was people that truly loved her and wanted to be involved without motives or stipulations. Her Dad and my Mom have the same attitude where they feel it’s enough to come around, they shouldn’t really have to interact with her. I just feel my daughter deserves so much better than what any of these people give her.

I just feel pretty down about everything. I’m sad that I’m going to have no choice but to probably put her back in a daycare when I find a job because there’s really no one else that’s trustworthy or reliable to watch her. I think my Mom is just a very selfish, lazy person and I wonder if things would be better for my daughter to not see her much anymore. I want to have a friendly relationship with my Mom and only ask her to babysit when it’s completely necessary. I don’t think having her babysit every weekend is good because she’s done nothing but take advantage of the fact that I don’t want to leave my kid with strangers and every time I’ve stood up to her, I’ve had to come crawling back and essentially put up with all the same shit.

It’s just a really frustrating situation and I’m trying my best to remind myself that someday my kid will be old enough to look after herself and it won’t be like this forever. It’s stressful dealing with all of this and I’m just honestly sick of worrying about it. I’m also irritated that my brother gets to have a whole night out and I don’t. I’m lucky if I can get my Mom to babysit for like 6 hours. It’s also bullshit that my brother doesn’t pay her but I have to.

I’m also looking forward to her starting Kindergarten too because I think it’s going to be a lot more consistent. It’s been rough the past year where we get used to the structure and routine of school and then the next thing I know, there’s no school for usually at least a week and sometimes 2 or 3. I’m glad there was school today, then next week she’ll go Monday through Thursday and then be out Friday through Monday. We have about 3 more months of school and then the Summer. I’m definitely stressed about Summer but hopefully I’ll have a couple of people that will watch her some.

I am so tired of being alone but I also get tired of people that just want to come around to mooch and milk off me. I’m just so sick of my parents being the way they are. It’s unfortunate that they still don’t manage their money and have to try and mooch of everyone else. I really don’t care what they do with their money until they be trying to use me. My daughter and myself are not going to suffer because they CHOOSE to spend their money stupidly and then want everyone else to fucking help them.

My childhood was a complete joke. WE NEVER had food in the house but now, I’m an adult and should have to help them?!?!? Uh, there’s something wrong here! They should really learn proper money management so they don’t have to mooch off everyone and maybe they’d have a much better relationship with people! They just don’t get that! They see nothing wrong with being the way they are no matter how much they wrong everyone and I’m fucking done. I’m as over it as I can be.

I honestly miss the days where I just worked and my kid went to daycare. It bothered me a whole lot that no one related to her saw her but I look back now and think she was probably better off. I just don’t trust my own family with her for different reasons and I’m glad that I’ve given all of this a chance so no one can ever say that I didn’t.