Busted Machinery in Ultimate Randomness

Wow. Have to admit it is strange to be sitting out at the desktop again writing an entry. I have gotten so used to avoiding this computer these last few months that I figured I would be writing all of my entries either from the laptop or my phone. But with everyone else asleep (or at least in bed) and me waiting to throw a frozen pizza in the oven, plus some laundry to be done, plus really needing to get what is in my head written down, I figured this was my best option. Now why have I not been using this computer? Well, it is in the main area of the house and, quite frankly, it is almost unrecognizable from the computer the ex and I purchased however long ago that was. Since the bf has been here, it has all sorts of new shit on the home screen as well as a new mouse, new speakers, all sorts of new. Kinda like the house. Most of the time, I look around and barely recognize it as the house we bought 9 and a half years ago, a mere 6 months after I moved to Tennessee. Before the dogs, the cats, the fighting, the other stuff. Back when it was just me and her and love. The previous owners definitely would not recognize this place as the one they sold to a couple that had only been living together for 6 months when they bought their first house. It is just that different, and even more different still in the last 6 months than it was before the break up. Really, the only room that has retained its similarity to its form during my marriage is the room in which I lay my head and write a majority of these entries. Now, I promise, at some point soon, probably in the morning or maybe even later on tonight if the mood strikes, I will get back to some writing of a less serious nature. But for now, there is something I need to get out which most people just won't or can't understand.

The simple fact, one that dawned on me during a conversation last night with a coworker at The Hut, is that I am going to be alone. Now, I am sure people here who read these entries as well as people I know would, and have, argued with me on this point. They tell me, "You will find someone," or "You will be happy again," or "You will get by it." And while I understand and appreciate the thoughts and sympathies, something struck me last night during my conversation. It occurred to me that the single piece of advice I get told most often is that if I would just stop being so critical of myself, if I would learn to love myself, the rest of that will follow. And they are right. If I could just let up on myself and relax a bit and learn how to have fun, the rest would probably fall into place. Aha! There is the rub. I have to learn how to not be me. I need to force myself into being a person I am not for it to work. Let's face it, there is something fundamentally broken in me. For whatever reason, and as much as I bitch about some other people getting on me for one thing or another, I am my single biggest critic. Always have been, always will be. I will nitpick the hell out of my decisions and actions until I lose my mind. Even before the depression set in I was like this. I did it as a kid playing baseball, in school. I did it as a teenager in class, learning to drive. I've done it as an adult with work, with going back to school, with the marriage and life in general. I guess and second guess and triple guess my decisions to the point of inaction. The problem is that I have been doing this for so long, it is the only way I know how to look at myself. I don't know another way of thinking. It is easy enough to say that I just need to change my way of thinking, but actually doing that, when it is all you know how to do, is nearly impossible. And then I think of the way I think about people and the only time I have truly thrived is when I have been an outsider. I don't know how to be around people, except at work. I am much better at understanding the things they do when I step back and look at it clinically. I get people, I understand their motivations. It is part of why I am such a great person to talk to. I will sit and listen and offer some of the best advice a person can get. That is just what I am like. I know I have used this quote before, but it describes me perfectly: "I give hope to men, and keep none for myself." I am great at talking other people up and making them believe that everything will be alright, but I cannot, for the life of me, keep any hope for myself.

I just know there are some things I cannot change about myself. My self-confidence, the way I interact with people, and having an easier time making peace with being alone than with putting myself out there again are just a few of the things I cannot change. It would be like replacing an arm, or my liver. It is just a part of me. So all that is left is to make my peace (again) with being alone for the rest of my life. I can't say for sure that it will be something easy, certainly not as easy as when I was younger. It is harder to deny yourself something good once you know what you are missing after all. And I can't avoid people as readily as I used to since I have to go to work. It is somehow easier to become invisible in school than it is when you work in a small place. And I have no idea how to support myself. I know how to get up and go to work every day. I haven't taken a sick day since Summer 2005. But beyond that, I am a little lost. All I know is I don't want to be here, or move back in with my dad, or try to fake feelings I don't have with a roommate. I need to find a way to afford my own little place, take a step back, and be apart from people. I was always better with the internet crowd anyway. I can say things and talk about them more readily with a faceless, amorphous, anonymous group of people than with someone tangible. I guess that should have been a sign as far back as when I first logged into AOL chat rooms when I was 13. This is what I understand and can relate to. So help me, when I go beyond my comfort zone, bad things seem to follow. Anyway, enough of the seriousness for now. Good night to you all and I wish you all the best of happiness and luck.