Bruno says it looks like rain in --

I have this open sometimes and I stare at the blinking cursor, contemplating how best to summarize the monotonic daily tasks and drudgery of getting through another day, another week. Life is the Crock-Pot meals, Encanto, half finished Lego sets, sweeping the floor again, trash day, laundry. Repeat. I often feel overwhelmed with everything on my mental list, but I keep doing it. I keep waking up everyday without enough sleep. This has been normal ever since I can remember.

I think I’ve finished one book so far in 2022, I’m halfway through my second. The Glass Castle. A coworker recommended it to me when we were talking about books and I mentioned I had just finished Educated by Tara Westover and how much I loved it. So far The Glass Castle is also compelling, but not in the same way. These books have expanded my horizons; I otherwise do not tend to read memoirs. I’m grateful I branched out.

Branching out has been good.

I had an annual review at work today that left me pretty stunned (in a good way). There were surveys sent out in November to our team asking to leave comments and rate different aspects of our performance. I got feedback from 7 people and usually only about 4 people respond per person. The comments were anonymous but everyone said such really nice and great things about me and my work ethic. I was truly speechless. I didn’t know I seemed this competent and caring to my team.

I’ve been at the company since May 2021. Besides having feedback from coworkers, we are also rated on our metrics. I have never really paid attention to my metrics and I am not driven by them, I just do my job. This is the first corporate environment I’ve ever worked in and I’m not used to having metrics to be upheld to. But… I guess I met/exceeded all of them, and apparently this is unheard of. For some reason I have mixed feelings about this, that I’ve done something wrong and that I’ll be found out. I want to do well but I always feel so much pressure to be perfect. I feel like this reinforces the anxiety and pressure I have to push myself towards burning out. I should be happy about doing this well. I am, in a way. But I feel like it’s also some kind of mistake and I can’t be found out.

I recognize that I’ve worked hard. But to be honest, there were days I barely did anything. Some days I’ve have been exhausted and unable to function or think well. I made sure I was available on Teams and checking email but sometimes that’s all I could do. Other days I was very productive. And I never work overtime. I’m not used to this - at my old job I worked extremely hard. I put my blood, sweat, tears (all literally), and soul (figuratively) into that job and all I got out of it was being taken advantage of and constantly told I did everything wrong and that I wasn’t doing enough.

When I got the call from the recruiter in December about the interview I had for the promotion, I fully expected her to tell me I didn’t get it. But I did. I was shocked that I got it. I keep thinking this is all just luck. I’m mostly bumbling through life confused and directionless. Somehow I’ve stumbled into all of this.

Building up my life has been weird. It’s constantly checking myself and asking “did I really do this? Did I really buy and choose everything in this house? Is this truly all of mine? I am trusted enough to be responsible for these kids and this cat? But I’m not good enough. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

The truth is that I do know what I’m doing. After all this time, all the bad relationships I’ve gotten out of, all the toxic jobs I’ve endured, all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse still affect me. Those old pathways in my brain ignite and try to remind me I’m still mediocre, I’m still wrong and will always be wrong. But you know what? That’s not true. I’m doing fine with what I have.

I just need more sleep like I always do, to be honest. And a break.

Last updated February 03, 2022