Pregnancy and Such, She wasn't relieved... in Grimm - Warrior, Poet and more...

When she told me she may be pregnant my heart sank. I think it was more the realization that she was trying to push me away even harder, even faster. Trying to bond to this guy.

I'd always feared she wanted A Baby. Not, OUR baby. That it didn't matter to her if it was of both of us, just so long as she had one.

I wanted her to want an US child. All of our good and bad. US.

I told her I'd want her to move in... Already wrote about all that... But last night I went over, took her food. Tried to take care of her. The stress is eating away at her. Can see it in her eyes, in her face and hands and feet. I wanted to rub her feet... I WANTED TO RUB HER FEET... I could see it all over her, inside her, through her... I just want to take her and hold her and love her and make it all alright. But I can't.

I bought her an EPT pregnancy test. Thinking it would help. She took it. Said it was too early. It was negative. She doesn't have that glow you see when a woman is pregnant... It probably IS the stress...

But, later it hit me, she wasn't relieved. She was... Sad. Disappointed.

I told her I didn't want to talk about it now. Lets get us back to US.

If we can get past this we will try. I once promised her we would. And we will. It's not a bargaining thing. But it's also something that needs to come with a little time. Not much though. We are at the end of time for that being easy... We have us. We don't need much else. We could do this. But I just don't know how far gone she really is...

I miss her every day. Her smile. Her frown... lol... her touch... Her laugh...

I've not touched myself in weeks... And still find it's not the sex I'm missing with her... It's the intimacy. I want to kiss her more than anything. And hold her...

The series that just ended at church ended with the overwhelming commandment to pray for wisdom. I am. Every day. Multiple times a day. For God to give me wisdom in this. To guide me, and help me. To watch over her, guide her and help her. To take care of us and help us get past this.

Every day I pray...