Question 5 and 6 in 100 questions about me

Write about how a person can tell if they’re really in love. If you don’t know, write about how you don’t know.

I’m not sure if I know or not. I thought I knew. I was married to the same person for 15 years, together with him for almost 17 years and yet I don’t know. I Loved him, blindingly so. But was that true love, a trauma bond or both? Did he ever truly love me or was I merely a means to an end? Or does the truth lie somewhere in between? Did I start out loving him and at some point it morphed into a trauma bond? Did he start out loving me and then realise how convenient I and my daughter were to sooth his darker tendancies? If you asked me this question while I was still married I would have said ” of course I know how to tell if someone is really in love” and spouted off some of the things he did that I now know are red flags. Like Love bombing, or the way he made me feel when he apologized, or how obvious it was that he really felt bad and couldn’t stand himself after hitting me. Now that I’m out I see those for what they were. Now I’m not sure. The only thing I can say for certain is that in the future, if I ever open myself up to someone again they will have to first, be passionate about seeking God’s truth and if they do that and they can treat me with love and respect, then I will reconsider what true love looks like.

Are you shy about your body, such as when you change clothes in a locker room? Or are you comfortable with it? Why?

For me it depends. I always have an undercurrent of shame about my body. I hate it, it’s ugly and frankly useless. I am overweight and I suffer from a genetic joint condition that causes pain, frequent dislocations, subluxations or just general joint movement. So the knowledge that no one else is going to want to look at this is always there. That being said I go between being shy about it and finding a Changing stall in the pool locker room and having an ” I don’t care what you think, don’t look then” attitude. It just depends how fiesty I’m feeling that day. Lol

Last updated January 24, 2022