Show time in Phoenix Rises Again

Its not time to get ready for the show yet but I’ve been mentally getting ready for days. Feels like I cant breathe. Not literally just mentally. Haven’t been sleeping well and I’m probably gonna be getting a ride from my dad.

I’m fretting over how I look. My eyebrows, my outfit, makeup, hair. None of it matters. What’s actually bothering me is knowing I may never see Jay again after tonight. And also knowing that I may not get to talk to him at all and if I do? Will I even have he courage to say anything significant?

And Megan? Will I have the courage to talk to her tonight? Will I say what I need to? Will I fuck everything up? Will I be able to calm tf down and enjoy the show.

It cant be the last one.

His post said ‘memories waiting to be made’ so why does it feel like memories slipping away?

Wanna get some smokes tonight so my vape won’t be stinking up my breath all night. Parents won’t like that.

Living with them is really stressing me out. After tonight big steps need to be taken to fix that. I mean, I’ve already started but I cant sit around and be patient much longer. I need out.

The memories in this place are too much. And I’m watching my mom ruin my child.

I was out. Everything was going well. Why did I have to crash my car and fuck it up? Is there an upside?

And a suitor is back now that I am. But he ain’t taking anything any more seriously than he was before? I mean, I haven’t been subtle about how if he really wants me he needs to show up and take me on a date but nothing planned yet. Maybe he thinks I’m planning on taking him out? I’m not opposed to taking a guy out. But this is about him showing some effort. He thinks he’s ready for a baby but maybe he ain’t even ready for a girlfriend. SMDH

Ima be carrying around an enormous purse because I cant find the one that straps to my hip and that sucks entirely.

Fuck I’m so anxious.

Trying to manifest good thoughts. Hugging Jay, laughing with Megan. An announcement that something new is coming. Jay giving me his number or inviting me to go out with his group after the show. Not sure I have the ability to manifest any of that but its better than constantly thinking of the worst possible scenarios.

And I keep trying to quell my tears. Puffy eyes wouldn’t do. My parents asking what’s wrong wouldn’t do. I just want to be out of this house for a while. As long as possible really.

And I think it’s possible that everyone can see this journal. Everyone. I may need to start a new one.