...with... oh wait. Me.
I am in a really bad mood. I shouldn't be. It's been a good day. I've been to see the new X-men movie, been for a walk, went for a drive and I'm making myself a curry for tea. I should be happy. I'm not.
I am stuck. I am stuck in my life, stuck in a ridiculously pathetic situation and I've been spending months racking my brains for a way out that just doesn't exist.
I'm a 32 year old, closing 33. I should be talking mortgages and life-style choices, deciding on furniture and wall-papering rooms. Somehow, I ended up a 32 year old who lives with his brother and a reclusive; who can't ever hope to save up a deposit on a house and who hates his friends and the people in his life.
Perhaps hate is a strong word. Resents may present better. My friends remind me of my situation. I hate my situation and I resent them for reminding me of it. Sadly the times I'm happiest at the moment is when I'm work. I'm good at my job. Fuck that; I'm GREAT at my job. When I'm teaching I can impart ideas. I'm doing something of worth. When I'm not at work it's like I can't do that. I don't feel like I can write anything of import any more. This diary when it first set out (back on OD) was a place to put ideas and poems; thoughts and observations. These days it's just the thoughts and they're always internal. My life and my hassles. So I live a life where I try to be good and then bitch about it to myself on the internet. How does that make any fucking sense?!
It's the same with my hobbies. I used to love gaming, LARPing, roleplay. These days most of it feels like a joke. An escapist method to get me out of this pattern even for a few short hours but when I resurface from the make believe worlds I know it's inherently time wasted. I'm not doing it to have fun any more. I'm doing it because if I don't I've got nothing else to do.
I tried to make improvements. Learning to drive; planning for the future; checking to see what my maximum mortgage was; trying to get back in shape. It's all a total fucking lie though. It doesn't move me anywhere. I'm still here. I don't and never will have the money to make the sweeping changes in my life that I need and I WILL NOT go back to the beginning and start again hoping for a better lot. I just don't have the energy for that. Everything I ever dreamt I'd do didn't happen. Now I just try to accept that the world is plain and boring because the idea of all these wonderful things happening and not happening to me is heart wrenching.
So this is me. I can see where this goes and how it ends. It ends just like this. Me sat here, be it 5 years or 50 years in the future, screaming to no-one and everyone "where did I go so fucking wrong?! Was I too selfish or not selfish enough? Was I too cruel? Too kind? Did I value my family over myself? Was wanting to do the right thing actually the wrong choice? Was it just bad life choices?"
I don't want to be a 70 year old pretending I still want to do D&D. I want the games I play to be something I choose to do for fun, not because they give me an out from the real world. They used to be that.
I'm angry because I failed in everything except something I didn't really choose to do. The only thing I've proven myself to be good at is my job. In all other regards to my life I never even got off the first rung of the ladder. That's just pathetic.
Something needs to change and fast because I am rapidly running out of patience with the whole fucking affair.
Sounds like my food is cooking. Think I'll summon up the energy to actually go and check on it.
Loading comments...