This week was interesting, to say the least. I was reminiscing the discussions I had with Ida, going through shared memories that barely mean anything anymore. We used to have these discussions until ass-hour in the morning about philosophy, history and politics. That was 2012. I was right a few months ago when I said that she had changed between 2012 and 2013. We all change, yeah, I agree, but it was so drastic with her that at the end of 2013, I barely recognize the woman I had loved. She was bitter, unwilling to discuss and was shutting down all the time. I'm not out of blame here, because with her clamping up, with her shutting me down, I only wanted to shut up, not create more conflicts. I wanted to mourn my dog, and my grandfather properly. I was done with the screaming, the crying, the reasoning. No, 2013 was a bad year.
Then, she popped up on Monday, asking me to send her games and DS back. That was it. No 'hey', no 'I'm sorry', no 'can you do this?'. I would lie to say I'm not hurt, but it didn't last long, which I'm relieved to say. I agreed to send her stuff back (who wouldn't?) and she sent my own stuff back, a book and the ring. I will sell the bastard. It was the most bittersweet purchase of 2013, believe me. I bought it, she wore it for a big fat 3 days before saying 'your love doesn't mean anything to me anymore'. I won't have my money back, but I hope to be able to sell it to a jeweler so they can restore the stone or something. Some people advised me to keep it, to remember my mistakes, or the years past's mistakes. Ida wasn't a mistake, she was a lesson.
Talking to her brought me back to the massive rp-ing that we did and never finished. We wrote until ass-hours every night and I compiled everything because this is my terrorist novel, because it's a massive piece of work, with characters I love, with interactions I am dying to recreate. And it goes up to 1 million words in 1 year. My wrists were shot that year, I no longer need to wonder why.
I am looking forward to September, when I will have the pup with me and Collin for a little while. I can do it, can't I?
I might get a second job in the meanwhile, so I don't die under a crippling amount of debts and can reimburse some without wanting to gag.
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