Dear Me, From Past Me in Journal 2021

I wrote this December, 18th, 2019 and I felt so sad seeing all these old letters and notes I wrote to myself in pain, suffering, crying, dying inside due to abuse.
Dear Will
Your words showed me that you where a hateful person. I thought I deserved it all, because of my lies. I thought I loved you but clearly, that wasn’t the case in the end. It was a misguided love out of desperation and loneliness. It was right for you to call me a liar, it was right for you to talk down on me but it wasn’t right to do it…in the end for you to only do the same back to me.

I think I’m not the bad guy in this case. I don’t want to believe I am but in the end I may be. I feel lost. You never loved me either in the end. You just wanted a doll to have sex with eventually. You wanted me to claim you as my mine and to claim me but is that right. Is that ever right in the end. I don’t think so. And I hope I can understand why i did. Why I’m obsessed with this idea of love being this bad, twisted thing instead of what it truly needs to be.

Unlike many of the people I write letters about, I don’t wish any harm or divine intervention against you. I don’t want you dead. I don’t want birds to rip your chest to pieces and feast upon your insides. Because. You were my friend and I loved you. In many, many ways I truly did and I don’t want you to lose your happiness with her. I never was spiteful as a person and I’m not now either. Be happy for me. Then I can move on finally.