Late night thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

For whatever reason, I'm still up. It's probably because I'm not used to even trying to go to sleep until now. I just took another Tylenol PM and I plan to write until that starts to kick in.

I have thought about my ex and realize that even thought I'm still hurting, I am moving on and I know someday I will be ready to date again. Trying to stay clinging to the hurt is not something I can do and I now understand more than ever that I do deserve better. I doubt I'll ever find it but I'm just so glad that he's no longer a part of my life because all he did was hurt me.

It really pisses me off that he would have someone say hi to me for him. He thinks I'll probably come running like I've done in the past but if I did, all that would happen is it would just be confirmed what I already know. I know that I'll never get my happy ending with him and I refuse to go back down that road of hurt because all it will do is damage me and make it take even longer for me to want to date. I'm just now finally coming around to the idea of wanting to love again and I'm not going to let him fuck that up. I'm still angry that he talked me into being fuck buddies after we broke up because he said that we needed to just slow down and get to know each other when the whole time he just wanted a steady fuck buddy that he could watch suffer over him. It was nothing more than a sick game and I refuse to allow that to happen twice.

I was talking to a male coworker about this shit last night and he basically said that my ex had pretty much a bingo book and never grew out of that stage. It makes a lot of sense because all my ex cares about is getting his dick wet. I believe he got that way when he become a teenager and even when he talked about being married he never took it seriously, saw it as an inconvienence and told me one time that he knew if he cheated with that girl it would be his way out. I don't believe he ever truly cared about his ex wife so therefore how did I ever think he could care about me?! \

All I know is I just hope that someday after all the abuse, bullshit, broken promises, tears, headaches, nights alone and getting my heart broken that I will find the right guy and all of this shit will just be a distant fucking memory. I know that I deserve so much better than what I've ever gotten and I hope someday I'll find it.

It's sad to say but I've never had a good, healthy relationship with a guy and I'm scares me to think maybe someday down the road I could find it. I have friends with really nice husbands and I want that kind of love to come into my life. I've always wanted it but after being alone so much, I've just settled for whoever would come around and stay for awhile. Even as much as I cared about my ex, I knew it wasn't going to work out, I just wouldn't or couldn't see past what I felt and what I wanted.

I wish things could have been different. I wish I would have gotten my happy ending but for whatever reason, I didn't. I'm just afraid I'll never want it like I did with him. I'm afraid that I'll never find someone who will want it with me. I know that I've had a really hard life and still have plenty of things I need to work on or work out but it would be nice to have someone to help me instead of doing everything alone.

It's just too bad my parents couldn't have turned out to be decent people because then I could at least rely on them for emotional support but they are too wrapped up in their own problems to try and be there for me or my brother. I'm annoyed that my Mom quit her job again. I feel like she's just a whiny basketcase who is just milking her depression for all it's worth instead of just telling my Dad that she's done taking care of him and if he don't like it then he can get the fuck out. She did nothing but piss me off when we hung out last weekend and I'm just so grateful that I don't have to be in contact with them if I don't want to be. She was such a fucking mooch and I couldn't wait to be done hanging out! She was even picking quarters off my bathroom floor.

My family is such a fucking mess. My Dad is nothing more than a fucking manipulative evil creeper that does nothing but use and rip off everyone to have what he wants and my Mom is almost as bad. They have borrowed money from everyone, don't pay it back and then bitch when people don't give them money anymore! My Dad thinks the world just owes him everything when he's never really worked and has always been a fucking loser. Father's day is in like a month and I don't even plan to call him. He's the main reason why I don't have much of a relationship with my Mom and little brother so I'm not too worried about making him feel like a good Dad. He's so much as turned my Mom against me and I just can't forgive him for what he's done to me in the past.

I'm so sick of them being the way they are. I never hang out with them because if I do, it's expensive. They make sure they get as much as they can and after not getting paid back a few months ago, I don't plan to help them ever again. They know this but it doesn't stop them from trying to make me feel guilty enough to fork over money. I don't care how bad their financial situation is, I am not going to empty my bank account for them because if I do, who's gonna help me?! Nobody. I get to pay all my own bills by myself so I can't afford to be wreckless with money. They put me in such a financial mess a few months ago and I will never let that happen again. My Dad loves to sit around talking about how much my older brother and I owe him when he did nothing for us our whole lives. Honestly, I don't care if I did owe them I can't afford to give them money!

My family has always used me because I thought it was my job to help them and because they always made me feel like I had to. I remember right before I moved out 8 years ago, they milked me for every penny they could get until I finally just said no and then I didn't hear from them for about 2 months. It let me know that obviously all they wanted was money and I was better off without them. I used to buy them groceries, give them money daily and no matter how much I did for them, it was never enough! I would be sleeping and my Mom would call and make me go cash my paycheck so I could give her lunch money! One year she called me from work asking me what my social security number was because she was trying to track down my tax check! Then when I got it, I gave it all to them and then she told my brother I didn't give her any! I just felt like it was my job to help them but in reality, they just took advantage of my good heart and giving nature.

I understand that I'm on my own and they aren't any more of a family to me then anyone else. It just doesn't seem like anyone really cares for each other anymore. Especially my family. They couldn't give 2 fucks about me until it's going to benefit me and after the way they've treated me all these years, I don't care to have much contact with them, if any.

My parents have always had problems managing money because no matter how much money my Mom has earned, he's made sure that's it's gone and there's nothing to show for it. It's sad that they are in their 50's and they don't own anything. They have a mortgage and both of their vehicles aren't paid off. I think it's time for them to grow the fuck up, quit living off welfare and my little brother's social security and get lives! My Mom has taken care of my Dad for 35 years, I think it's time for a fucking change. The guy is a fucking bum that needs to be taken out like yesterdays trash!

I just wish that I could have a family that was around when I needed them, didn't expect to get paid for helping me, didn't act like I was an evil bitch just because I set boundaries with them and that actually cared about working and being normal people. They are fucking losers. Complete. Fucking. Losers. My Mom shows absolutely no emotion anymore, doesn't seem to give a fuck about anything and isn't really worried about getting a fucking job and keeping it. I just feel so sorry for them because if she doesn't get a job, things are going to get really bad for them and because they've burnt so many bridges with everyone, they are going to crash and burn.

I'm not going to live my life always feeling like I need to worry about them or what they are going to do about their problems. They are adults and it's not my problem if they don't act like it. It's just sad that they can't be mature adults. I'm always going to care about them but that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything to help either.

They also have internet again. My Mom told me after the porn issue that came up, they would NEVER have internet again but sure as shit, they have a computer and a tablet with internet. I also think it's funny how the computer is in a spare bedroom too. I love how my Dad thinks that all of us are too fucking stupid to know what he's doing but at this point, there's no point in saying anything anymore. If they can find the money to pay for it, then it's their problem. It's just sad that my Dad is like a child where he has to get his way or he throws a fit.

I'm just proud of myself for where I'm at because I look back on where I came from and it makes me glad that things have gotten so much better. I remember suffering with back aches, toothaches...just being in constant pain thinking it was never ending and sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I think back on what my life was like living on my couch doped up on Vicodin thanking God that's not my life anymore. My health was so fucking bad for about 2 years and I never want to experience that again.

I have to get back to losing weight and becoming healthy again. I now weight 335 which means I've gained back almost all the weight I've lost. It's just hard because with my busy schedule I don't know how to always eat the right things. I'm going to start making more of an effort. I want to start going to the gym but not sure when that's actually going to happen. The past week I've been staying up extremely late, then sleep half the day and then go to work. It's like I've gotten so used to this schedule and I don't know how to change it. I like relaxing with co-workers after work and I do it every chance I get and then sleep until at least 1pm and then work at 4.

My weight is affecting everything for me. My back hurts on and off, my plantar faschitis is really flaring up and even my bra is getting tight. I know the things I eat are bad for me but taste soooooooooooooooooooooo good. I know the more I eat sweets and fast food the more I crave it but if I'm in a hurry or if I'm starving, I just don't care. I care later however when I step on that scale and see numbers that make me want to throw up. I just don't know what to do. I can't always afford to eat healthy and what not. I don't know, I gotta figure something out. I hate the way I look. I can't stand how I get treated differently because of my size. I have a very pretty face but I hate my body. I hate shopping for clothes, I hate thinking I'll look good taking a selfie but I just look like a fucking cow.

That guy at my work that I used to like definitely treats me differently than all the other girls. I don't know if he means to but I've noticed and it really bothers me. I know that it shouldn't but I want to be beautiful, I want to have a body that men find attractive and I know that if I work at it, I could have it. It just seems so hopeless because of how busy I am, because healthy food is expensive and now that I've gained back that weight it's going to hurt even more trying to work out. I know I won't be able to do as much as I used to, at least for awhile. I hate this but I gotta start somewhere. \

So I'm gonna try and lay down and get some sleep. I'm feeling really anxious and I think ti's because I haven't had a lot of social interaction today and I'm thinking too much. I'm always glad to be off work but then I remember how I have no one to hang out with and then my mind starts running wild. I love getting stuff done and being able to chill at home but it would be nice to have someone come over and even just sit and watch tv with me. I tried to hang out with that one chick I work with but she kept taking forever to text back and by the time other people got ahold of me I had already taken my Tylenol PM and was in bed.