Exhausted to tears. in Bittersweet

Yesterday we did holiday shopping and the malls and stores are so packed. As expected. We really just got my ring cleaned, bought the boy some pants and a bit of food shopping. It wasnt too bad but between friday and the shopping. Im dead today. Its the kind of dead tired where making food is too hard, I ate a slice of bread and a handful of granola. T orderd pizza and i had a slice with a pepsi. Thats my day. I literally sat on the couch and watched tv. Some cheesy christmas movie and some travel cooking show called Chucks World ( Hulu) Oh I held Charlotte a lot. She just perches on me and grooms. I didnt even crochet.. Although with my new bed frame I want to knit stockings for T and I for it lol.
Where my bra is too painful to wear and my hair hurts. Im just so tired.
I actually broke down crying because its another day that being sick has stolen from my life. One more day that im not healthy and whole. Which would be fine, If it was one. But its not one. Its years. Im literally leaching years off my life being sick.
I even took a ton of vitamins when I got up.. Its not helping. Its 6 pm and i could easily crawl in bed and watch my phone till I fall asleep. It makes me cry. I want to go and do things. I want to do family photos, I want to knit stockings, go look at christmas lights. See santa in the mall. I want to bake things, make eggnog and finish my christmas gifts. Instead im crying wondering if im going to be able to wrap my gifts before christmas. I have 3 days PTO saved up and im debating on using them. I could go to work tomorrow, do payroll and then take 3 days off. I get friday off for christmas. Which would give me 6 days off. But it wouldent recharge me. It would be great, during the week. But wouldent recharge me. Nothing recharges me…

I have ADHD stuck in a sick body. My mind wants to do so much and I cant physically make my body do things. Im out of spoons and all i did was get dressed, get on the couch and go pee 3 times today.
I watched a vlog from an ADHD person. Who went on to explain the difference between lazy and out of spoons. And it makes so much sense. Im not being lazy like this. Im not well. I just hate that this sickness is robbing me of days…