Cant sleep in Phoenix Rises Again

Couldn’t sleep yesterday. Cant sleep again today. I can pretend its because I’m sick, but truth be told, everytime I close my eyes I’m back at summer camp and Jay’s making me cry for the first time. Or I’m at the last show next month and it’s the same thing all over again and hurts just as much. And it’ll never stop hurting because he’ll never be there to make it stop, never again. And I don’t get a hug or the time of day. I tell myself that maybe it won’t be that way. But anytime I try to see it going differently he’s just pretending to listen because it’s the right thing to do, but he doesn’t really care and makes an excuse to leave as soon as he can. But most times I’m sitting there crying alone and nobody is there to ask what’s wrong this time. This time he doesn’t even look proud of himself, he just doesn’t care.

I always knew he was okay because he kept singing. The songs changed after that, but he kept singing. And now he’s quiting. He’s giving up his dream. And I don’t know how to deal. I told him he could never do it. I was lying though. Of course he can. But he’s not. I don’t think I ever saw him give up before. Is this him giving up? He’ll say no, that he’s just moving on. But moving on to what? And how will I know he’s okay if I cant hear him sing anymore?

He lived the spotlight. The stage is where he belonged. Being adored by all. And now?

Maybe I’m just selfish.

But I miss seeing him every day. And now I won’t get to see him at all.

And I’m scared.
What if I lose my damn mind for lack of seeing him?
It feels like I’m damn well going that way.
It’s been so long.

I need to stop thinking about it and sleep.
But at night there’s nothing to distract me anymore.

And I cant sleep.

I wish I could. I wish I could close my eyes and drift into a world of dreams where he was still there and I never made him mad. A world where I have my old pal Jay back. And every time I turn around there he is. Smiling and singing and playing with my hair.