Sunk in Current Events

I saw my depression coming a mile away. It always follows my anxiety. It hit me out of nowhere. I was at work, nearing the end of my shift. Nothing triggered it. I took a brief nap when I got home and now I’m just paying attention to what my thoughts are to discover what am I bottling up. Depression usually happens when there is a paradigm shift, I need to figure out what is changing in my life or mind that I am grieving. No rush on that, of course.

The current theme of my thoughts is that I don’t feel appreciated. First of all, I don’t like being emotionally incontinent so all of this is happening under the surface IRL. At work, I took on the burden of trying to find systemic problems at my store regarding safety. This is a burden because the management at my store is committed to the belief that unreported workplace hazards mean that the store is perfectly safe. It’s intimidating and deflating because reporting anything to them turns into a fight. It’s then disappointing when they do not follow through. I don’t get anything for it, I don’t know why I feel short-changed knowing that. They don’t even say thank you. Two employees died at a US location recently, I feel like I have a response-ability to try and improve our own situations. Some of these hazards I am finding are kind of huge.

My peers all feel like the employees that died were blamed and that it felt more like the company was complaining about it. They have this cult mantra about us needing to be aware of our surroundings, end of story. If an accident happens it is because we are disobeying them and not being aware enough. We cannot get any of the management to work with us on any of this. It’s just a two-tier society. Whatever, I don’t even want to care.

I feel like I am working two jobs when I get home. My roommate doesn’t pull a lot of the weight here. I’m finally getting her share for groceries but it’s not enough. I just want to come home and do the bare minimum for a change and have someone cook and clean for me. Annoyed as I am, and as harsh as I am about her on here it’s all under the surface in real life. I just can’t stop myself from being caring, considerate, and generous with her. She said she wanted a Christmas tree, she doesn’t even thank me when I bring her one. A co-worker offered it to me. I get no thanks for anything I do here either.

Why do I need to feel like the world owes me something here? Maybe it’s me that isn’t appreciating enough? Whatever. I don’t feel like overthinking this right now. I’m trying not to wallow right now. Not that I should suppress a symptom. Collecting my thoughts on here is usually helpful, I’m not ambitious enough at the moment but I needed to air some of it out.