How has aging come to this? in Daydreaming on the Porch

  • Dec. 12, 2021, 8:26 p.m.
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  • Public

This past Thursday, a funeral was held for the grandmother of a friend’s son-in-law. Although I didn’t know her, I was affected by her passing for a number of reasons, all having to do with how she spent her last two months.

This well-liked and vibrant woman was 87, and her daughter had been taking care of her in her home for a number of years. Unfortunately, she started to decline physically and mentally rather rapidly during the past year. I feel sure the pandemic had a lot to do with this.

The daughter, who is 65, had no help taking care of her mother. Although her mother had long term-care insurance, inexplicably, the daughter wouldn’t hire anyone or get help. I simply cannot understand this. Things got worse and worse and she and her son and daughter-in-law finally realized they would have to find a nursing home or memory care facility. The daughter couldn’t take it anymore. I can understad this, but I can’t fathom why they didnt get help when tbey had the means to hire caregivers. Some people evidently want to do it all by themselves, with sad and even tragic end results.

Having taken care of my mother in her home for ten years as her dementia and diabetes grew worse, I know for a fact that I could not have done it without the help of our dedicated home aides who I hired and who worked for us for some years. They became like family. We were very fortunate.

The daughter and her family found a new Alzheimer’s and dementia care facility her mother that is supposedly state of the art. But the grandmother would have nothing of it. From the first day there she rebelled. She wouldn’t eat and she slapped some of the staff. She ended up in the emergency room and hospital twice in the course of a month. The ER doctors told the family he didn’t see how she would last the first night there.

She did, but shortly after that I heard she was in a Hospice facility. It was a very rapid end. She obviously didn’t want to live any longer. She died there two days later.

I know only the bare bones facts of this whole situation, but my own experience with caregiving allows me to surmise what might have been going on.

My view is that the grandmother had slways wanted to die at home. I don’t see how anyone could choose to die in a hospital or nursing home, and from what I kbow about nursing homes, it’s worse than you can imagine. They are severely short staffed, pay workers little and in many cases are profit-making corporate ventures where the bottom line is controlling expenses so hat shareholders of the corporate stock get amply compensated, often to the detriment of residents in their care. Sadly this what care for a great many elderly persons in this country has cone to.

I think the grandmother, even with her dementia, realized what was happening to her.

This, according to one writer who visited a nursing home, is what you are likely to find in these “homes” of last resort:

I’m finding it hard to put into words how sad and upset this visit made me. Don’t get me wrong, the facility is spotlessly clean, the staff seemed nice and the place was decorated in an old fashioned décor which I’m sure people put time and energy into.

However, even in this top-rated facility, there were people in wheelchairs lined up in a row left to stare a blank wall. For those people not lined up against the wall, they were placed/parked in front of a TV which was not on. In essence, they were bodies to be taken in and out of bed, fed, showered and tended to when necessary…

My mother, if placed in a memory care facility, would have reacted similarly to the grandmother, I believe. Every time I think about what it would have been like if she was lined ip against a wall in her wheelchair staring into space, I shudder and I tremble.

Please, to anyone reading this, do cerything in your power to keep a loved one at home when they are aged and infirm and suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s. I know it’s not possible in many cases. But it’s a national scandal that nursing homes can cost up to $100,000 a year. Family members should be compensated for the many hundreds of hours spent caregiving, sacrificing jobs, livelihoods, and their emotional and psychological well being in the process.

I don’t know what will happen to me. I know I did my best for Mom. She was in her bedroom at home when she passed away. She had Hospice care until the end. She was at last released from the prison of dementia and is now a free and soaring soul.


Last updated December 13, 2021


ConnieK December 13, 2021

I began shopping early for an ALF. Not everyone can take an aging parent in. There may be financial or time constraints or the relationship is toxic to begin with. We are fortunate in my city to have established end of life care for those who have outlived their resources. Started in the 1940s, it is an "Eden Community", meaning that not only are old people there, but also an active daycare for the worker's children. The residents would interact with them. Because it is non-profit, the corners aren't cut. They were so good to my mother who, by that time, was on Medicaid and they did it for her SS check less $35 (her spending money). They paid for everything else. It's really an incredible facility, so not all are awful (but plenty are!).

Oswego ConnieK ⋅ December 13, 2021

Yes, of course, there are always extenuating circumstances when it comes to decisions about nursing home placement.

The Eden Community is exactly the kind of progressive and inspiring idea that has been implemented where you are and needs to be duplicated across the country. Any concept that involves multi-generation living, co-operation, and caring situations is a huge stride beyond the sorry state of affairs that exists now in this country.

Deleted user December 13, 2021

I fear it's only going to get worse as Baby Boomers get into their late 70s and beyond.

All I know is that if I find myself alone in my mid-70s and something happens to me--I get signs of Alzheimer's, I get cancer, etc.--and I'm not able to work anymore, I know where to get fentanyl and that will be the end of that. I am NOT going to end up homeless or a ward of the state. I will take myself out first.

Oswego Deleted user ⋅ December 13, 2021

I fear you may be absolutely right. Nursing homes are horrifying prospect, especially since most nursing home facilities are owned and run by rapacious corporations!

I can’t blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. Everyone should have the safe means to avoid those worst case scenarios.

gypsy spirit December 13, 2021

first of all sorry to hear of this sad story and it is obviously opening up matters for you from your own experiences as well.
I think for some daughters/sons in a situation like this, it comes down to two possibly explanations....1.. Pride. 2...Obligation.
Yes, to die peacefully in one's own home is certainly what most of us would wish for, myself included, but often there may be circumstances or relationahip issues that influence such decisions. Thanks for sharing your feelings on this. Take care, p

Oswego gypsy spirit ⋅ December 13, 2021 (edited December 14, 2021)

Edited

My friend, the story I related did indeed stir up many emotions. I had to vent by writing this.

I realize there are many circumstances involved in nursing home decisions, but no one should have to place their dear ones in nursing homes if it can be avoided.

gypsy spirit Oswego ⋅ December 14, 2021

I agree. My nephew whose been married to his childhood sweetheart for 53years (almost joined at the hip) recently had a difficult decision to make as he wears leg braces his a serious accident 15 years ago broke his spine and his adored wife developed an inherited dementia in recent ones. He couldn't lift her when she fell etc and he was barely coping so conceded to try a nuring home for her but he struggled so much over it even though she was happy there that he called and told me last night he now has brought her back home and is determined to care for her somehow until the end ( which will be in next few years). he looks more at peace now, is sleeping better and she is so very happy to be back with him again in their home too. They are both in their mid sixties. He managed to sort some home help at least. No matter what the circumstances it must be one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make. I admire my nephew so much. It is very hard for him but he is doing everything out of pure love, as you did for your mother. hugs p

Oswego gypsy spirit ⋅ December 14, 2021

That is a beautiful story of one spouse’s devotion to another. I hope he will continue to have enough help to care for her at home because he will need help continually. But I think in NZ, a much more enlightened country than the US, he will be able to find the financial help and other governmental support he needs. Dementia is so tragic.

gypsy spirit Oswego ⋅ December 14, 2021 (edited December 14, 2021)

Edited

I agree. My nephew whose been married to his childhood sweetheart for 53years (almost joined at the hip) recently had a difficult decision to make as he wears metal leg braces since a serious accident 15 years ago broke his spine then his adored wife developed an inherited dementia in recent years. He couldn't lift her when she fell etc and he was barely coping so conceded to try a nursing home for her but he struggled so much over it even though she was happy there. He called and told me last night he now has brought her back home and is determined to care for her somehow until the end ( which will be in next few years). he looks more at peace now, is sleeping better and she is so very happy to be back with him again in their home too. They are both only in their mid sixties. He managed to sort some home help at least.
No matter what the circumstances it must be one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make. I admire my nephew so much. It is very hard for him but he is doing everything out of pure love, just as you did for your mother. hugs p

WhatDreamsMayCome December 14, 2021

My hope is that assisted suicide becomes legal nation-wide.
Both my parents died at home.

Oswego WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ December 14, 2021

That will unfortunately be a long tome coming. But every state added to the list is humane progress.

Jinn December 18, 2021

I have worked in nursing homes. I agree with Manon . Before I end up in one I will find a way out - permanently .

Oswego Jinn ⋅ December 19, 2021

I hear you!

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