Waves in Current Events

Linda, the coworker I drive to and from work, triggered an anxiety attack yesterday. Our shift barely started, the store was not even open, and she approaches me flustered trying to explain that something was going on. People were being called into the office and she overheard our HR saying that everyone was going to have a good day. The way Linda presented that information was very menacing. She made Candace, our HR rep, sound like she was being sarcastic. It was like pulling teeth to get more context out of Linda. We were being called into the office to receive an annual raise and a gift card. I couldn’t come down from the anxiety attack though.

I haven’t had my anxiety that high in a long time. My eyes could barely focus, I would randomly feel like I was about to faint, and my hands were not steady enough to work a power drill. I was not overlooking her cluster b drama-stirring way of handling situations this time. I was so upset with her and I decided not to keep it to myself and let my boss know that I was pushing through an anxiety attack. I let her know what triggered it. It wasn’t a big deal but Mel, my boss, understood exactly what I was experiencing with my anxiety. I stuck to light duties. I was mostly frustrated with myself for unbuckling so easily. I’m barely holding it together over here on my end already. That moment opened up the flood gates, so to speak. Linda is not to blame, this is my anxiety to manage and not hers.

Soul-crushing depression always follows after my anxiety flares up like this. I can feel it creeping in. I am trying to mind what I think. I will learn what is being bottled up and I will rumble with it this weekend. I don’t like suppressing symptoms, I will let this run through me. This is my mind healing, I suppose. It’s been a while since I visited my emotions. I’ll feel alive for a little while at least.

Two employees died just a couple of weeks apart in the states. Everybody was feeling it when we heard the news because it hits close to home. I felt like I needed to do something and I started inspecting everything that I can. It’s a thankless task, it’s always a fight with management when you report hazards because they behave like a cult regarding safety. Mostly, I am creating work for them. They are programmed to protect the company from us. No reported hazards = safe workplace. I am on a mission to make sure that there is a paper trail, at a minimum. Should something happen they should be able to build a case with it. It’s criminal negligence the way they ignore health & safety. I am creating my own paper trail, taking photos and I will bring this to Workplace Safety or something. The way they presented the news of these accidents was a total gaslight. I am putting myself in harm’s way I feel like. They do have a zero retaliation policy, I’ll put that to the test I suppose.

We were given a couple of games to play at work. One was just a scavenger hunt. The second one is like a bingo card regarding safety. If my supervisor, the HR or the general manager of the store witness us doing any of those tasks they will sign it. We all just looked at each other and knew that neither of those individuals leave their offices. They don’t even have their doors open so we can approach them.

It’s whatever, I don’t want to care. This is not my forever job. That was the mistake I made at the restaurant I couldn’t bring myself to quit. It had to quit me. After thirteen years of service, they fired me and wouldn’t offer me a reference. It was direct retaliation for reporting the predatory behaviour of the operations manager that was grooming his employees. It felt like the right thing to do when multiple women came forward and asked me to get involved for them. They all knew I wouldn’t be afraid to do the right thing.