Timing in Current Events

I almost had an anxiety attack today. This usually happens when I am putting things off. My whole life is on the back burner but not necessarily by choice. It’s the end of the world out there. Well, the end of the illusion. World War III and the mRNA holocaust aside, people are starting to peek behind the curtain. So to speak. Those who modernized and learned how to inform themselves at least. It’s not easy to be cool, calm and collected when you know what is going on. The eye of the storm is passing, I can feel it. The calm before what comes next is ending. They’re out of plot. I don’t feel ready for what comes next which adds to my anxiety.

I managed to suppress the attack by getting busy. I kept myself distracted. Suppressing symptoms is a garbage thing to do, I do know better. I created a false sense of control by controlling a million smaller things. Classic me. I decided to pay attention to my mind to see what comes up while I puttered around the house.

I did a leg workout. I am tired of being tired. I am exhausted almost all of the time. I haven’t looked into what could be the cause so I can help remedy that myself. I reflected on my diet and I’m not sure what would be missing exactly. It’s probably mental, the reason I am tired and not motivated. I know the masks I wear at work are a huge part of it. Depression is probably the rest. That makes sense. I don’t feel sad or randomly devastated when I get depressed anymore. I just get tired and unmotivated. I wish I could just cry and get it all out but I can’t seem to be able to just do that. Unfortunately. My mind is no longer goal-oriented. I can’t focus, that’s another issue. I didn’t even catch that I am overthinking because it’s not about the usual stuff. I’m not thinking about myself but about life, love, and liberty. Thinking about what role I can play in all of this. I’m nothing, nobody, and my world is very small. I wouldn’t know where to start. That’s a lie, there is the Wild Wild Web.

I was thinking about my mother today. I’m worried about her. She is going through a depression of her own. This information warfare is psychological and hurts my mother. She feels torn apart and wants to have her family together. She just needs to turn off that fake news and stop complying. None of this is how a constitution works. Stop being a coronazi sympathizer. However, she’s a part of the cable news cult. That vile and profane, defunct generation will not part from that fake news. Millennials killed the cable news a long time ago. It’s time to learn how to navigate the internet. This is getting more and more embarrassing.

My finances were my big trigger. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. There was absolutely nothing wrong, per se. I was hit with a random yearly prescription for the DailyWire of $61.66 yesterday. I barely remember subscribing to them last year. I hate surprises. I don’t even read their content anymore. I just have a leftover habit of dread because of last year when it comes to looking at my financials. I wasn’t an essential worker, I lost everything. I can’t pretend that it won’t happen again. It’s a real possibility since politicians want us to play doctor with them. I don’t even want to play germ theory let alone pandemic.

I feel like I splurged on myself yesterday. I spent $15 on a deck of tarot cards and then on a $99 desk that was on clearance for $12.99 and I couldn’t resist. I bought it to be my altar, I’m not feeling it after all. Bev offered me a table she has in her garage that she is taking to the dump but I declined. It’s round but I can’t stop picturing it. I just might get that one. I tried to offer the one I bought to Toni and she got weird about it. It was a long answer to say no. I think she was trying to spare my feelings. I don’t need things sugarcoated. It’s sitting in my room in the little space where my window is.

I’ve been feeling crafty. I want to craft some decor for my room and for my altar. I want to find some hefty tree branches and make a situation out of it that I can hang plants from. There are a few other ideas I have also. I have so many things that I want to try and paint also. Finally! I haven’t had any drive to do that in over a year. Mind you, my stuff was in a storage locker and my whole world was falling apart. I have things that I am passionate about and I want to express myself on canvas.

I spent a few hours in the kitchen. We had no running water so I was quite a bit behind. Luckily it didn’t turn off while I was doing a coffee enema. It happened moments after.

I made a tofu scramble that turned out pretty well, finally. I Baked the sweet potato that I forgot about also and I added it to a wrap and grilled a few to bring to work over the next few days. Then a peri peri hot sauce. Roasted pepper hummus. Prepped my usual salads and veggies and fruit for my breakfast and lunches the next few days. I feel so behind today because of the water situation. Between all of that, I made an Irish stew for Toni and me.

Toni crafted some decorations for the tree I brought home for her. It looks pretty good! I was impressed. She spent two whole days doing it.

My hair is falling out. It’s stressing me out a bit, understandably. I didn’t add any oils to my scalp this week. It’s just everywhere now, it seems. My hair is getting very long again and this was a normal thing from what I remember. Back when I had long hair. I’m growing it out again because I don’t want to deal with the disappointment of the barber fucking it up. Mostly I just don’t want to pretend to look in the mirror at the end of it. Mirrors and I are not friends right now. Imposter syndrome and all that. I changed so much too quickly inside that I felt like a stranger in my life. It’s not as bad as it was when it started. It’s calmed down but I haven’t been able to look in a mirror properly since.

This “new me” is not palatable for everyone. I grew apart from most of my friends and that’s okay. Speaking of which, I saw Mel at a TJX store yesterday. She didn’t see me, I practically dove behind a shelf. I was caught off guard even though it makes perfect sense that she would be shopping there. We used to make a day out of it and visit every single one in the city. I wouldn’t know what to say to her.

My birth chart was correct in the way I will absolutely drop a person from my life. It’s abrupt and it’s ruthless. I won’t say goodbye, I don’t need the last word. I don’t need closure I just need to go. I will then burn every single bridge that I can find so they cannot contact me. I will give them the gift of never seeing or hearing from me again. I don’t even see it coming when I decide to do that. I know it hurts them but I refuse to help it. I trust my instincts. Mel and I were very close, hung out multiple times a week. I was there for her through thick and thin and she disappointed me too deeply from one sentence and I tossed the friendship away like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing but bye. I did that to my best friend Jen also. She knew I was vulnerable and she spooked me. I was either going to have a breakdown or a breakthrough after I lost everything and she tried to start petty drama knowing that I was at a wedding. I’m too grown for people like this in my life. I’ve been ghosting people since the 1900’s. That wedding, by the way, was when I had my last anxiety attack. I really did not want to go, I hate those things but I was not in good shape. I was still bordering either a breakdown or a breakthrough at that time. That day was when my hair started to fall out. It just rained down into my sink when I was washing my face and it hasn’t grown back since. Believe it or not, I ended up having a breakthrough at that time in my life. It has since led to breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough. I’m a gluten for punishment, I will now explore everything in my mind no matter how painful it is. Fuck my cognitive dissonance, fuck my social conditioning. I have so much deeper to go, within myself I mean. This is also written in my birth chart. Blimey, that thing creeps me the fuck out.

Anyway, it’s two hours later than when I usually go to bed. I was very thrown apparently. I suppose what made me feel raw and vulnerable enough to buckle under the pressure of my anxiety was that I opened up my IG and saw that I have a dozen comments. That’s never a good thing. It’s not a bad thing either, it’s just dialogue but people like me get a lot of hostility. I put myself in harm’s way and people just want to viscerate me, all damn time. I do like getting nuance dialogue though. Helps me grow my opinions. Helps me even change them. “You’re a fucking idiot and inferior to me.” Always convinces me to change my mind, that is always such a compelling argument. I still have to get around to opening my comments here on PB. Too much narcissism and cluster B action going on, I was over it. Then the media cult, just reciting all the talking points from the news and trying to pass it off as a legitimate form of argument. They literally cannot produce original thoughts and they earnestly believe that everything they don’t understand is stupid because that’s their level of logic. I don’t understand that so it must mean that it is stupid and not me. Heaven forbid we put down one perspective and try on another and grow some discernment. Nah, let’s just aggressively protect our biases because we’re not strong enough to push through a little cognitive dissonance and social conditioning.

Last updated December 05, 2021