This has been playing in my head for a while now in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

This has been playing in my head for a while now.

It first started with something small. Seeing a feminine shoulder. It should surprise no one that knows me, but obviously- my wife rejected physical intimacy. Even the small moments between couples. I loved kissing her shoulder. A quick “walking by you, this is what I can reach, kiss, love you” kind of thing. It’s a shoulder so… it isn’t necessarily erotic but it isn’t necessarily meaningful… but it is something that you wouldn’t “just do to a random person or even most friends.” Which I suppose is why I started doing it. Consider it a small way of differentiating between my friends and my Wife during a relationship that, at the end even by her own admission, was a “Just Friends Marriage.” The Wife of course thought the whole thing merely “strange, odd, and weird” but put up with it with the same grace and patience that she put up with any of my attempts at physical affection. Which is to say with great criticism, avoidance, but begrudging acceptance.

So, I see a particularly feminine shoulder and lose myself in thought over missing even the difficult scraps from the marriage. But, if I allow it to, my mind begins to wander. Merging the hard-fought physical affection memories of the ended marriage with the more recent memories of sexual expression many months since ended. And it strikes me that a shoulder certainly can be an erotic place on a woman’s body. And my mind wanders. And I find myself missing the more playful, the more carnal, the more experimental, the more animalistic, and ultimately the more tender moments of physical expression that I had so briefly in my life.

Worry not, this is not rose colored glasses. Why, I have merely to review my own notes from this day one year back to be reminded of the toxic manipulative and frankly unkind elements of my past experience. But it’s just the memory of erotic experience and, ultimately, despite nearly 38 years of life… the whole of my “erotic memories” covers a grand total of about 3 to 4 months total.

But as my mind wanders to a mouth kissing shoulder, then nibbling, then planting kisses up to the nape, maybe a quick playful bite, hands wandering… voice tauntingly describing what is about to happen… I find myself emotionally torn in upsetting ways.
On one hand? I’m thrilled at the concept. Even the idea of carnal exploration thrills me and my heart races at the thought.
On the other hand? I find myself honestly missing it… and genuinely wondering if I’ll ever get it again. After all, it took leaving a 14 year relationship in order to get any of that to begin with… and what happened surrounding it all, and how quickly it all went? Well, I do have my doubts. Lord knows my current situation acts in direct opposition to my finding any romantic or erotic connections. And dating apps have certainly been a massive let down. So… I find myself settling into an unfortunate, almost Zen like state.

I want something.
There is no reason to believe I will ever have it.
So I give that want to the ether, releasing it to the void.
Should I ever be fortunate enough to find myself in a situation similar to that desire? I can only hope that I will be wise enough, discerning enough, and brave enough to handle myself and the situation well. That is all that I can hope for.

Last updated February 16, 2022