Sun Day in Current Events

I am battling with my petty side at the moment. Toni had Bob over yesterday evening and I had a lot of leftover lasagna, focaccia, and minestrone in the fridge and they ate all of it. Then I am left with the empty dishes to clean up. Is this a big deal? No. Absolutely not. I should be grateful that she got to have a meal with her friend. I don’t want to feel negative about this at all. She likes my cooking and she likes to brag about it to him and she finally got to show it off. She also got to have a nice evening with a friend. This is her home as well. I hid in my room to give them space. Mostly to give myself space. I was very exhausted and wanted to get lost in some music and pass out. So I did. My social battery is empty.

On that note, regarding my depleted social battery, Bev texted me yesterday and told me that her oldest son asked her to invite me over today for his birthday today. I’m not going to say no to that. Especially since I was there for his younger brother. Her oldest is a Scorpio, he feels things deeper than most but that’s under the surface. I wouldn’t want him to feel offended if I declined. Just in general. He asked Bev to make his cake vegan so I can have it also. He’s always very considerate that way. Just like his mother who is a very positive influence on him. She’s constantly at work trying to cultivate her sons to be compassionate gentlemen. I was just thinking about her when she texted me. I want to visit with her and her boys.

When I evaluate my life I can see how it all led to me discovering what I found at the bottom of the rabbit hole. All of humanity’s heritage. It broke my heart last night, by the way, to see footage of an indigenous elder in Australia getting carried and dragged from the street into the back of a van to be taken to a covid camp. The disrespect was egregious enough but the lack of respect for the human condition by our world leaders and their supporters is what disturbs me the most. Anyway, the way I saw how my life added up to that discovery, it clicked and I saw what I am currently doing without realizing it. I’m assembling an altar. I have the majority of the pieces and didn’t even realize it. When I am browsing around looking at pretty things in esoteric shops I am waiting for things that speak to me to pop out. Then it drives me crazy to be separate from it later when I don’t buy it so I go back. The moment that it clicked I saw a vision of what my altar looks like in my head. Very indigenous and very shamanic. I suppose I am preparing my mind, body, and soul to communicate with the higher self that exists in counter-space. My learnings are leading me down a path on how to use the esoteric sciences that I am learning. It all feels familiar to me.

My birth chart is very interesting and it screams shaman of the times to me. I’d rather not and do something more cool with my life but this is the only thing that fits like a glove. Whenever I stray from my true nature bad things happen, that is Saturn the maleficent. My benefactor, Jupiter, shows me where the universe will only double down for me and I am not on that track yet. That’s how I interpret those aspects of my chart. I don’t see myself as a lightworker though. More of a shadow worker. The dark side of the self, the collective self also, that we try to pretend does not exist. We cannot become whole and holy without integrating it. There is good in bad and bad in good. Non-duality and all that shit.

I’m still very novice in my learnings and understandings. The way I process information, the way I receive it and communicate it is exactly the way it says in my birth chart. Mysticism is a weird place for someone who is this grounded by earth signs, in my chart. I’m basically just modernizing it all for myself. Then, in turn, for others. I am a cardinal sign so it’s not that bizarre, I suppose. Capricorns, the goat, where Saturn rules the most. I’m battling with my Taurus rising, it’s negative aspects. The unwillingness to do what I don’t feel like doing when I don’t feel like doing it. Waiting to feel like doing something and doing nothing until I feel like it is the bane of my existence. Especially since I’m a Capricorn and my real nature is to make shit happen. Blah blah blah

Anyways, now that I know that I am assembling an altar I feel a little excited about it. A sacred, private space, for myself. Where I will fumble around with tarot cards, astrology, and much more.

I’m currently drinking masala tea waiting to see if I am ready to take a shower. I did a coffee enema and I am too anxious to stray away from the toilet at the moment. I usually look forward to these coffee enemas, I feel so good after but this one felt like such a chore. Just dreadful. I also don’t feel good after. Just doesn’t feel done, TMI. Whatever. I need to move on with my day. My mother asked me to dye her hair this evening, Toni also asked me to take her to a store later when she is done her shift. I’ll see what happens. She found a lamp that she wants for her room, she’s been looking around for a while now. I want her to have something, now that she is finally nesting here. She’s a Taurus, we have so much in common because of my Taurus rising. This is why I out-picture so much of myself with her. I assume I will stop seeing everything and everyone through the lens of the zodiac eventually. I don’t want to be THAT guy.

Also, last night I had this young woman’s performances on repeat for myself. It makes me resonate. She is an enchantress. I love watching reaction videos also, especially from vocal coaches. Diana Ankudinova is a contralto and has amazing control. I love that she cries after her performances from being overcome by the emotions she gets back. Can’t wait to see what she does with her album, I don’t care if it’s in Russian. I like music when I don’t understand the lyrics anyway.