The New World in Packrat

I've already stated that I'm not a baby person, and I still don't have any great interest in them out in the general public although they seem to like me, which means I have to wave, smile, and play peek a boo when encountering one. Of course I've had several in my life - nieces, nephews, grandchildren, all of whom I baby sat and thought were the most amazing children in the world (only because they were!); my brother told me the reason I was always broke was because I always found a kid to spend my money on. Once I bought my four-year-old cousin a set of math flash cards because she wanted them and I justified it to myself, thinking they would help her in school later, when all she really wanted to do was draw all over them when not doing so on the cabinet doors.

Still, I don't like sitting next to them in restaurants, planes, movies, etc., and wonder why parents don't leave the premises when their offspring acts up. I don't think it's cute when they're throwing tantrums or interrupting adult conversations.

None of "mine" did that, and I noticed that even young kids change their behavior depending on who they're with and where they are and what they know they can get away with. I knew it as a kid - if Mama and Daddy won't do it/give it, go to Granny and Papa, and if they won't either, try Aunt Marie. My aunts still watch over me.

I've also admitted to being a humbug when it comes to babies and their presence in my world and the far reaching ripples of that presence and its influence.

My niece came to our house for the first time last night. As soon as her mother placed the carrier on the table I was there, bouncing around, waiting for her to get her unbuckled and her blankie wrapped around her. I joked, "Hurry!" But although the whole process took less than a minute I really was mad with excitement and could hardly wait. I already had her in my arms before my mom knew she was even there.

My granddaughter is such a well behaved baby that she has been to every clan feast. During the opening one, she discovered strawberries and honey dew. At the last one, she sucked on her foot. I found all that fascinating!

I still don't want any of my own, but my niece and granddaughter have changed my life. Everything is brand new to them and makes it so for me while I also have other things to think about. It dawned on me last night that I will be one of their teachers and what a privilege that really is. These young lives, and I will have part of them under my care. There are already things that I can teach them that their own mothers can't.

During a ceremony last year I noticed that the clan leader in charge, a young veteran, and a clan-leader-in-training were all boys I babysat. I used to change their diapers. Now there they were, with their own families, carrying on our ancient ways as men. My heart swelled with pride. As that emotion was shared their expressions told me they knew who I meant, and later we joked that they were cringing and worried that we'd name names. (I almost did, but I worried that I might overlook someone.) I got to be part of their lives when they had to depend on someone else for everything.

Most of the kids I babysat are adults now and starting a new generation. When they were young children under my care, they also made me see with new eyes; I remember being so excited to see a squirrel because, although I knew what it was and had seen many, it was the first time the little girl I was taking care of ever saw one.

That little girl is now 31 years old and working in cultural resources. :)

But I was also young with other interests, still spending my weekends at pow wows, still "dragging Main", still not yet started on a career path, still becoming who I would be.

My niece and grandbaby come at a time when I'm aware that my future is limited, I don't have the inclination to "drag Main" and even if I did I wouldn't want to waste the gas, and I'm in a career that prompts me to say I'll retire when I expire.

I still go to pow wows, though!

I never wanted to be a mother, but I did always want to be a grandmother. My niece is my niece but comes when most people my age are grandparents, as I am, too, and she is the aunt to my granddaughter. My feelings on this I can't really explain - more tender? I often get teary eyed thinking about my role in their lives, that I have a role, and how honored I really feel at that. My heart bursts when my granddaughter reaches out for me - all that innocent trust without conscious thought or doubt. She doesn't even really know me as Grandma yet; she only knows I'm a warm being who loves her and will keep her safe.

Last night my niece stared at me, and although she doesn't really know with rational thought who I am, she's figuring out the world from the safety of my arms. She cried, not out of fear or hunger but because she's already bossy and lets us know loudly when displeased; she likes to bounce and I dared stop. She gives a command; I follow it.

A professor in my college psychology class once described babies as "little blobs of id". We are all on alert to tend to whatever immediate need they have. But I've been more touched by "the long run" - being there to help them become the people they will become, to later be the memory that guides them.