Heartbeat in Inside My Head

I went in for my first ultrasound yesterday. I prepared myself to expect the worst. During my first pregnancy when they finally saw a gestational sac and yolk sac, I was so thrilled. 'It has a chance," I thought. Even though the betas are not really doubling I kept reading online about these women who had abnormal betas and had normal pregnancies. Then the gestational sac didn't really grow. No embryo or heartbeat was seen. There is no shot at this being a viable pregnancy, my doctor had explained kindly. Michael and I had been devastated, although Michael was brave and strong enough to put up a calm front for me. The baby would've been due three weeks after my 32nd birthday. The main thought that ran through my head was "I waited too long to have children. I took it for granted that I could and now I can't." I believed, and still believe, that the miscarriage was my punishment for my past decisions. I would never be able to have my own children. It was a horrible thought that kept me awake on many nights.

Yesterday I went into the ultrasound room with the tech determined not to cry. I fully prepared myself for similar results as last time, or worse, for her to tell me that she did see an embryo, but it was in my Fallopian tube. I purposely did not eat or drink anything after midnight just in case they needed to take me for surgery. It sounds absolutely crazy, but this is what that miscarriage has done to my mentality.

You know what the first thing the ultrasound tech said to me was? "I see the heartbeat." I can't even explain how I felt. The whole world changed and no one noticed it except for me. In an instant everything looked newer, brighter, and better.

The embryo is measuring about 8 weeks, which means it was conceived the night I was cleared from pelvic rest. Pretty insane stroke of luck, especially since I was once told by my original reproductive specialist that I had a 2-7% chance of conceiving naturally.

My mother knows. She's the only one besides Michael. I love Becca and all of the support she has given me, but it is difficult emotionally for me to talk to her when I hear her beautiful daughters in the background.

I called Michael at work. I asked him to not come to the appointment. I actually didn't even tell him about it. I tried to lie about where I was going that morning, but he's known me for ten years and knows me as well as my family. He was pissed, but there was nothing he could do. I originally texted him the ultrasound photo and was going to call him five minutes later, but he called me back almost immediately. "What is this?!" He demanded. I was stupid. He's an accountant, he has no idea how to read an ultrasound. I should've called him and then texted him the picture. I explained the results and all he said was "Wow. I can't believe it." I was a little hurt he didn't seem more excited, but figured maybe he was keeping his guard up because of what happened last time or maybe he was in shock. After hanging up with him I immediately got a slew of text messages. "OMFG we're going to have a baby!" said one message. He texted me that his coworkers listen to his phone conversations and he didn't want them too overhear.

Michael and I are still trying to not get our hopes up. Many people miscarry in the first trimester, and I'm doing my best to try and stay calm and somewhat removed from the situation. It's hard. I think I'm sort of failing miserably to tell you the truth. I'm counting down to my next ultrasound on June 17th. At that point I will be about twelve weeks and if that one looks OK maybe I will calm down a little. Maybe the fact that it's my parents' 35th wedding anniversary that day will bring me luck.

Artist