Needy in Second 1st

Yesterday was another training day. At the end of the day I needed to do some cleaning on the machine and.... I couldn’t. I’d have to climb over the line. I could barely lift my leg to get up the step they had made but when I looked for the next step to step down the other side the floor moved. I paused trying to make it stop so I could get on with it and go home. Taylor asked if I wanted her to do it and I said yes and turned around. I was suddenly like a child stuck in a tree. I’d gotten up there but it seemed impossible to get back down. Suck it up, the step I’d come up was a lot wider that the moving step on the other side. So I took the risk and climbed back down.... I didn’t die.... should be fine.

I had such a headache when I laid down that I didn’t bother with games but still didn’t fall asleep until Rocky got home. Meaning I laid still in the dark for a good hour before falling asleep at about 8:45. I slept till 10:20 and woke to use the bathroom. I laid there awake head still hurting when Rocky came to bed at 11:45ish. I then felt the need to verbally poop all over him until almost 1:30am. Talking about what ifs and the training I honestly thought I’d never have to do. Talking about asking for short term disability again. How I seriously need a break from not feeling good. Talked about the whole scenario in my head.... I get denied for FMLA at all. I use what PTO I have.... I take on so many “points” they fire me.... then what?

We laid there and he listened to me and held me while I cried. It was nice for the most part. He said “I don’t know what I would do if I ever had to deal with what you have.” “I’m supportive of whatever you decide to do.” I am thankful that he’s no longer on the side of the Vestibular therapist who thought it was all in my head.

I have to work OT Wednesday. I’m honestly hopeful that I can get this doctor to put me on short term and I don’t work Wednesday. I’m so tired of felling guilty for feeling bad.... I’m so tired of pushing myself till I’m sick & miserable. I just need some time to BE? I keep thinking about when I’d been off for the plant wide shut down for COVID. I’d had 3-5 real bad days in 3 months ish? ..... I didn’t have anything to stress over and I could take my time doing normal things.... or put them off till I feel better.... when I was having an off day (potentially a BAD day)...... I’m having 2-3 bad days a week right now.

Rocky and I have talked about me getting out of the work force all together.... it’s not the right time yes financially .... Short term would be the path I need to take otherwise if I thought he could handle it we would elect that I quit and seek a disability lawyer.

I feel like I’ve said most of this.... it’s just that the appointment is this morning and I’ve put far too much thought and hope in it. I’m a wreck. Please, hope for me that I am at least heard and understood if I’m not given what I need entirely.

I typed out a few lists.... Meniere’s symptoms I deal with daily, Vestibular migraine symptoms I get, meds I’m currently taking, dates of previous doctors visits and procedures since diagnosis, the FMLA paperwork, and my case workers information and claim number for current claim. Also, a list of times I’m consistently triggered like “headlights at night” it’s honestly a preliminary list of things off the top of my head a detailed list would look a lot like I was complaining that I had to live......

My head still hurts.... likely because I didn’t sleep well.... and the crying.... and the worry .... and the pushing myself too hard yesterday...... and the overthinking this appointment..... my ear is sufficiently loud and I haven’t eaten anything this morning.....

Rocky said he wanted up at 7 because he wanted to get a shower before we went.... appointment is at 9:30. It’s 7:45 and he’s still in bed. I’ve been in there twice now. I reminded him I really need him this morning. I need him to verify that halfway through Wal-Mart of grocery days I’m swinging back and forth with the cart like swinging a baseball bat.... that he feels the need to ask me if I needed the cart when we are done even if we only get a couple bags. That when we walk around somewhere and we are holding hands I tug on him to keep balance on bad days. That smells (even good ones) catch me off guard and I have a whoosh that he can see. I need him to support my babbling on and keep me on track. I need him to be there on the way home if I’m crying because I’m seriously scared. Scared of the next time I fall at work or the next time I’m stuck somewhere because things are moving that shouldn’t be and crushed. Crushed that again it’s written off and I just need to accept it and get used to it and fid work arounds that I’ve been dealing with since they sent me back to work and that it’s obvious my supervisor is not going to do anymore. I can’t do this alone.