Tired of Being Tired in Thirty-Six

My last real entry was a bit rough. Things didn’t get any better the following day to be honest. Our anniversary was a disaster. I keep telling myself to give it time, because I know Randy is out of his medication, but It’s been a struggle. And we are still waiting to hear on Medical Coverage. It has been two weeks since I sent in all of our paperwork, so I’ll be calling on Monday because its getting ridiculous, he needs his medication. So do I, but I can deal with pain.

What I can’t deal with is the asshole my husband turns into when he’s not on his medication. He probably doesn’t even realize it, but he becomes such a fucking jerk. And it’s hard to tell him anything about it because he will shut down immediately, try to leave and all kinds of stuff.

So Tuesday we went to Silver to get some stuff from the store and we went to a sandwich shop we wanted to try. Randy ordered a Cubano. I can’t remember what I ordered and then my dad ordered a carnitas sandwich. The lady comes out of the back and tells the guy that took our order, after we had paid and sat down, that they were out of ham. My sandwich had ham and so did the cubano.

Randy got mad and yelled across the restaurant “JUST CANCEL MY SANDWICH, I’LL JUST DRINK MY SODA”. My dad was like GET YOU A DIFFERENT SANDWICH and Randy got all huffy and was going to make a scene. So I just said get the cuban without the ham. He wasn’t having it so he went to talk to the guy and luckily the guy was like we do have ham. So that was that.

Wednesday the washing machine fell apart for like the 5th time. Just completely obliterated itself and got stuck. The tub fell backwards and got stuck on a lip in the back. So that happened, but the clothes got washed and I put them in the dryer.

After about 20 minutes of running, the dryer just stopped. The clothes were still soaking wet, so I went outside and started hanging them. There was some yelling between the three of us because Randy threw a fit about money and I just screamed SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. Because he was being an ass.

I had already told him once to NOT speak to my dad the way he speaks to his mom, which is VERY harshly. That is THEIR relationship, not his with my dad. So he had already gotten pissed off about it. I told him sorry but no.

So he was about to get the keys and take off in the car. I told him no the fuck you are not going ANYWHERE because I don’t know what the fuck you’re going to do and you CANNOT put that on me again (re: last year). So was about to lose his fucking mind and went out into the shed and sat out there while his shit printed.

I started hanging the clothes and thought no he needs to help me. So I got him out and we were just talking and I told him I am so fucking tired of working quadruple time to get the simplest tasks done. And he started to say something like I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT and I said I’M NOT FUCKING MAD AT YOU!!! And he calmed down after that. I just said its so fucking frustrating doing everything that we have done and we are still in the same goddamn boat as before, just now involving my dad.

The dryer fixed itself somehow but I think the heating element is going out. UGH I just want things that fucking work and these are the days that it makes me so fucking ANGRY that we had to leave the washer and dryer behind.

It’s probably going to be Summer before we will be able to get the money we are owed from the house because we have to do A LOT of paperwork and file it with the court and all that nonsense. We might just end up hiring someone to do it for us and losing about $3-10K of the money we are owed. Which sucks, but we don’t have the resources to be going back and forth to Tucson to file this stuff with the court. But we want our money.

It’s so fucking complicated.

So, that was that. We canceled pictures that my friend Roxie was going to take for us, and we just hung out all day. We actually went to lunch at the restaurant here in town at 1 with my aunt because it was Veteran’s day and she’s a veteran. She got a free meal and then my dad paid for us since it was our Anniversary.

The day should have ended there.

We got ready and went to dinner at 6 or so. Dinner was a fucking disaster. The food was gross. Just gross. We paid $61 for a meal we didn’t even eat. I ordered salmon and it was bland and looked poached rather than grilled. The appetizer was disgusting and Randy ordered a Medium Rare steak. The thing was practically mooing when he got it. The waitress came to our table like twice and the last time Randy showed her the steak.

She got SUPER defensive right away like “well I didn’t cook your steak”. Well no fucking shit lady, but the cooks need a serious lesson on how to cook a medium rare steak. So she was like what do you want me to do? Do you want me to take it back and have them cook it for longer? No. Do you want me to take the plate and we’ll discount the steak? No. He asked to speak to a manager and we could hear the waitress talking about our situation from the kitchen, into the dining area.

So the waitress comes back and asks the same questions, like what do you want me to do, do you want it recooked. No, so the manager finally came out and she basically told him “this is the way we cook our rare steaks” and he said I ordered medium rare. she said that’s medium rare. FUCK no it wasn’t. So she got super rude and was like I can either give you a box to take it home or I can remove it from the table. So he just said take it. It’s half a goddamn steak.

We got like $2 off the bill, which was “more than generous” on their part for not eating half the steak and almost the entire appetizer.

I was just fucking pissed at the way he handled it because he got loud and laughed in the managers face about the discount. Then the bill came and it was $60.82. He slapped down $60 and said lets go. I said give me another dollar, NOW. So he grabbed another $1 out of his wallet and grabbed it and slammed it on the table up front and told the waitress standing there (who wasn’t our original waitress) “Keep the 15 cents” and I just said I’m sorry, and as soon as I got outside i told him

WE ARE NEVER GOING OUT TO EAT HERE IN SILVER AGAIN.

I told him I understand it was a shitty meal but you CANNOT be rude like that ever again! He mumbled something and I just stayed quiet. For the whole 20 minute ride home. He was trying to be all loving when we got home but I just sort of ignored him. I told him don’t say one fucking word to my dad about this because I don’t want there to be another argument.

So he didn’t. My dad asked how it was and I just said it was “ok” and left it at that.

Then when we went to bed, I was just like ugh, today was a disaster and we should have just stayed home. He stayed quiet. So whatever.

It’s so hard to deal with this because he is so far outside of his normal self when he’s not on this medication. It just sucks that we’re probably going to have to deal with this until january before we can get into drs.

So yeah it’s been a bit rough. I’m trying to keep my own composure and it’s weighing really heavily on me, but as I said, I have no outlet. I’m the one thats holding everything together and Until I have a serious mental breakdown, it’s going to be the case.

I didn’t even get a happy anniversary from either of my brothers on Thursday. not a single fucking peep and they both posting various things on that day. So yeah that’s a bit of a slap in the face for sure. My brother A always says that we don’t communicate well, but then when we’re having a conversation, i’ll reply to his message and then not hear anything for another week.

They’ll both share pics of their kids and then I’ll share a pic of the dogs or rats, and they won’t even respond. I deleted a bunch of messages from our group chat (me, dad and both brothers) when I sent them a video I made for Hemi’s birthday a couple weeks ago. They didn’t respond to it at all.

I’m just tired of them STILL treating me like a fucking child, even though they aren’t even near me anymore. It’s been a struggle to even talk to them most of the time because I hold some some very well founded resentment towards them.

They were the ones who pushed us to move over here because “dad needs you”. Well maybe it’s not ME he needs. Maybe he needs someone else to finally step up and take on the burden that the two of us have been sharing since mom was in the fucking hospital.

But they have their own lives in different states, so they only care when it comes to their feelings about it.

But if I say anything to them they’ll come up with some reason to make me feel like shit about bringing it up. So I won’t bother.

Anywho, so that’s what’s going on. Yesterday we didn’t do much. I went to Silver to get some stuff for dinner, my blood sugar crashed while I was in Walmart and I barely made it out of the store. I was hot and sweaty and dizzy by the time I got to the car. So I ate half a chicken salad sandwich and drank a dr. pepper.

Came home and made Sweet & Sour Chicken, Crab Rangoon and Rice, which came out amazing.

Today I cleaned the rat’s cage and vacuumed in here a little bit and then made some hot dogs for dinner.

I am in so much pain these days. Randy lost his temp/out of state MMJ card so we haven’t been able to get any more meds. All he has to do is fill out a form with the DOH and he’ll get a replacement, but he won’t do it. And I’m not going to badger him about it. I’ll just remind him every time he says he’s looking for his card. It’ll probably be quick and painless, but I’m sure he wants ME to do it, which I can’t. Because its his.

Alrighty, well that’s about it for now. I’m gonna go do something, not sure what, but I’mma do something. Have a great rest of your weekend.