I feel Invigorated in Journal

Like. Really good.
Really really good.
It’s so odd to think that the very same thing which gave me so much anxiety and fear is now exhilarating- that which I felt a profound shame, I feel free entirely free of. Defensiveness is replaced by curiosity. Fear is replaced by confidence. Uncertainty is replaced by self knowledge.
My therapist recently told me that I have Earned Secure Attachment. And it is so nice. I cannot begin to describe the difference between what my experience of life was and is, now. I have so much joy in everyday interactions- even the so-called negative ones which don’t result in a productive outcome- I’ve simply learned something important about that person that I didn’t know before. And it’s not my fault that it wasn’t productive. It is like the difference of meeting a grump at the gas station and shouldering the oppressive burden of making their day better/worse, versus saying “wow, that guy must be having a bad day.” and moving on with life.
The reasons for my irrational self blame and shame were many and deep, and took months and months to work through, and are not entirely gone, if they ever will be, but I now have the freedom and ability to negotiate with them. As such, I’ve found it possible to accept people I love and their disgruntled attitude without taking it personally, and to actually provide positive productive connection. Something that I was never exposed to or even knew was possible, I can now pull off almost seamlessly. It is, with no vanity, an amazing feat to have accomplished this level of self growth. I don’t know anyone who has changed this much. I don’t know anyone who has changed even a small degree. And I feel a great sense of pride.
I feel pride in that I can and do rise to the challenge of using my newly developed abilities. Not just to feel better myself, but to improve the lives of others around me and make their experience better. To substantially impact them in a positive way. To see the change occur in someone’s happiness, to see them go from a stressed out workaholic, angry, depressed, repressed, to a relaxed happy expressive father is just… it’s really not describable.