Shadow Work in Current Events

I gave up on the land of the living yesterday and went to bed at 7:30 pm. It’s hard to say if I was having a bad day or if the day was having a bad me. Thursday and Friday I was in a dismal mood. I was absolutely toxic waste. I was bound to blow I suppose. I had a long day at work, it wasn’t a bad day just a long one. A slow death to the week. I just wanted to come straight home and sulk but I am an adult and I have to do the things I don’t feel like doing.

I had asked Toni to come with me shopping. It was going to be a big load and I was hoping she would help pay for it but no. She only does what she feels like doing because she is a child. I get home after annoying traffic to a filthy kitchen. She was off and home all day. I had the dishes from the night before, her morning dishes and her dishes from lunch. She wasn’t home when I got in, actually. She showed up while I was scrubbing the pot that she wrecked. She was trying to communicate with me but I couldn’t hear her nor did I want to. I was passive-aggressive and she took a turn tiptoeing around me for a change. I also had to clean out the fridge but whatever. I then ran to the store for a second time because I forgot my list in the first round. Then I cooked supper for us and went to bed.

She started drinking again so now all of the old habits, my habits, have returned also. I am back to being salty about having to be her mother. I am salty about having to carry the burden of the groceries and essentials until the end of the month. She’s only ever paid me three times. I was getting up the nerve to talk to her about this while she was sober but I missed that opportunity. I was talking with Tally about this yesterday and she said that she can tell that I am not a confrontational person. For the most part, I am not but I will if I have to. Toni is a special case, I have to present things to her in a particular manner or else she will see red and this will blow up. I am trying to add self-awareness to someone committed to their narcissism. That’s not easy.

Toni is very much a Taurus and we share a lot of those traits because my ascendant is a Taurus. That’s neither here nor there but I think it’s interesting to see these patterns. We handle our anger the same annoying way. I was talking to Tally a bit about Astrology and then got her to tell me when Mike’s birthday is. He’s very Aires but he is actually a Gemini -Aires cusp. My guess is close enough.

This toxic mood gave me some opportunities to do some shadow work. Issues I didn’t know I was experiencing came up and now I have an opportunity to alchemize them, as they say. My little fitness journey is making me insecure about my body. Body dysmorphia triggered because of fitness goals? So original. I need to do a bulk diet but I don’t know how to. Especially on a vegan diet. My diet supports a lean physique, whatever. This is not impossible of course. However, I also want to do fasts so maybe I can look into intermittent fasting also and blah blah blah. I have to play the “what would that do” game. What would a perfect body do for me? It’s not going to give me superpowers. I have accepted that I do not want a relationship or want to do relationship things, so I’m not trying to attract a mate. I have selfie control and no longer have a presence on social media, so I am not trying to get attention. I suppose it will just make me feel good enough for myself? Why don’t I feel good enough for myself? I’m hard to impress even for me, apparently. When I wear a tank, my arms look great. When I lift my shirt and flex my stomach I have a full set of abs. My legs are toned and my booty is high and firm. I don’t like my chest and back because they are hard to develop. It’s hard to get mass and am I trying my best? No.

My skin journey, my acne scars still exist. They always will and I need to accept that. My journey with that is only going to get so far. My cystic acne I was convinced that I would have forever. A line from Mel Robbins woke me up, somebody has already done it. I looked into how others won their battle with acne when I was thirty and then quit dairy just like they did. Not a single breakout since. However, after that, I was left with battle scars, acne scars. I haven’t actually looked at my skin in over a year? Still haven’t looked at my entire reflection since my… spiritual awakening, God I hate that term. It was a self-improvement journey that woke something up inside of me and I separated myself from my identities. I felt like an imposter in my life after that because people identified with me as someone I no longer was. My reflection has intimidated me since then so I need to work on that. I only look at what I need to and then I get out. Not looking in the mirror, what does that do? What am I protecting myself from? Obviously, I am protecting myself from disappointment. I am still battling my ego.

My hair journey. After I cut my long hair off it has been falling out. It was already doing that but I was in denial. After my little nervous breakdown a couple of years ago, over a wedding, I was being dragged to (I hate weddings passionately), my hair started to fall out faster. That evening it was just pouring off of my head. I haven’t looked at it but I can feel it. I saw it for a second last week on accident and it is bad. It is not a normal pattern of baldness, I am battling some form of alopecia and I did book an appointment with a specialist last year but backed out. I use a micro-needle and minoxidil. I don’t think it is working. I just started taking a new supplement, biotin. That is supposed to help. I am also targeting my liver directly for detoxing. I started last week with a coffee enema. I managed to convince myself to shave it all off last week but I didn’t follow through. I want long native hair again. What will that do? My hair has always been my security blanket. I’m attached to my ego, evidently.

My facial hair journey is not going swell either. The minoxidil and micro-needling have only done so much. I grew out my facial hair a few years ago to see what it would look like and people started to treat me differently. I liked it. They took me seriously. Then it became a security blanket. I didn’t like my chin. I don’t like my lips either. In my twenties I didn’t feel so unattractive, people complimented my looks all of the time. It hit me in my thirties once I tried to improve my problem areas. Apparently, I just got good at pretending that my insecurities weren’t hurting me. That was part of the epiphany that started my self-improvement journey. All I accomplished in my life was getting good at pretending that pain wasn’t happening. Are these things that I need to change? Or are these things that I need to accept? Obviously the latter. I can probably have it both ways. It’s the content I am trying to change and not the context. That is what I learned when I did my soul searching. I missed a spot and didn’t look at my body with the same approach.

That’s just the physical and vain things that I need to alchemize and whatever. What am I doing with my life? I have no direction. I am not goal-oriented. I will not beat myself up over it too badly. The world is going through its own shadow work. We are learning that we are not free or safe in this system that we participated in creating. There is no going back so we will see where this takes us. I am mad at myself for being so deeply ignorant and libtarded that I out-picture that onto those who cannot evolve out of the fake news. Deep down I wish a pandemic actually was possible because those people are in the way. Of course, I mustn’t actually wish for that. We are all on a spiritual quest, conscious of it or not. This manufactured journey is to lead us into a new society, a new normal where we lose our bodily autonomy. We are being herded into a big pharma-run religion. These vaccine mandates on children, are people really just going to co-parent with their government? Are they really that underdeveloped to see what is happening here? Karma is the law of this universe, those who give up freedom for safety will earn neither.

I want to be back in school, I want to be on that journey to get a doctorate in naturopathic medicine, biochemical engineering and life coaching. To actually heal people. In ancient Greek, they had two ways of treating people. One way was to suppress the symptoms and the other was to treat the soul. The slaves got the first one so that they could get back to work. Nobody expresses illness anymore they run to their medical priests who will perform an exorcist to rid them of viral possession. Germs don’t cause disease, viruses do not exist, you’re either have the courage to seek the truth or you don’t. These priests suppress symptoms which makes things so much worse. No wonder everybody is obese with joint and back pain. The liver has to store all toxic wastes away from the vital organs, it stores it in fat cells, bones and joints. My word, I can’t believe society is this rife with people who cannot love themselves. People like Lizzo, just out there claiming that she loves herself but she doesn’t. She is abusing her body and then calling it love. Imagine someone not treating a disease because society just needs to learn to love it. How did we get here?!

With those doctorates, I will basically be a shaman healer of the times. I am not going to be palatable for everyone. I refuse to sugarcoat. We all have to go the distance, there is no magic petro-potion that is going to make everything all better. The mistake we make is assuming that everybody suffering from illness, medical and mental, is a victim. I don’t think I am a lightworker, I am more of a shadow worker. I will bring up the stuff we buried in the dark so that they can be transmuted. I don’t want to coddle or entertain any victimcrats. Everybody deserves better and they can do better. We are all tougher than we think and I don’t want to charge people so I can help them commit to their excuses.

I also want to try and grow a presence on social media and just tell the truth. My crippling social anxiety is in the way and it appears to be connected to my image. Aside from that, I am not afraid of the truth, anymore. Those who tell it are passionately hated because everybody else is in a fucking cult. Multiple cults. Medical, media and religion. I am a medical and media heretic, a blasphemer. A heathen. Obviously, I’m a good old fashion religious heretic. Religions destroy the soul. I’ll put myself in harm’s way, it’s whatever at this point. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to get my hands on a headdress and present myself wearing that. I have to play with optics. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him believe it. I think that’s how the saying goes? I have to breadcrumb, those in touch with their power of discernment will take it from there. A shamanic journey if you will. The rest of them will commit to the news and government. Those people are at home right now just thinking to themselves “yes daddy, govern me harder. Misinform me harder daddy. Put that big fake narrative in me in.” I cannot just pretend that these people are anything but demonic. There will always be contrast and I will just have to accept that these creeple exist. We don’t know what consciousness looks like without unconsciousness. It’s very that and it’s okay. They’re helping, in a way. Those waking up will find the truth. Well, the ones they are meant to have.

Why do we think what we think? Why do we believe what we believe? What makes a fact a fact? This trance we were all under is ending. Consciousness returns in this turning of the age. This is a crazy time to be alive indeed. Whatever.

Blah blah blah, I am annoying myself today already. I get to see my niece and nephew today and I am pretty excited about it. It’s been a month. I miss those kids so much it hurts. Anyway, on with my day now.