Worries in 2014

The weather's been bad most of the week. Not in the normal usage of the word. It's been a temperature I like, and it's been raining, which I also tend to like. The problem is, we've been getting two or three weather systems a day, which tends to make me sick. It did again. All I want to do during these times is to sleep. So, I did a lot of that. Which, of course, means that at night my sleep is terrible. Which, of course, means that I sleep more the next day. It builds on itself.
I had a minor freakout the night of the sixteenth or seventeenth. Nothing uncontrollable. Nothing I couldn't deal with. No spinning in the hallways or anything. But it was there. That sense of being unwell, that sense that something was wrong, that something was bad, was back. It's one of the reasons I can't sleep. That had a lot more to do with it than my naps (though naps may have helped the general uneasiness). It's hard to deal with a mother who is angry with me for taking naps because I can't sleep at night when I can't tell her why it is that I don't sleep at night. I'll get frustrating platitudes and an explanation of how I've already got a friend in a psych ward (he got out on Sunday), and he has real problems (though outside of this hypothetical conversation, she'll deny his problems).
When I sit, I'm kicking my leg constantly. I'm shaking from time to time. It's not good. Even though I was keeping to my diet, no weight loss was happening. I took a skip day, then a day of no food. As of today, after a skip day and then a no food day (where I did drink a lot of orange juice) I'm 2 lbs. heavier than I was last week. Which is just lovely. It's really not what I needed today. I'm getting that tired feeling back. It's a different kind of tired. I didn't eat yesterday, and I only ate today because I knew that otherwise I'd get in trouble. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I've been forcing myself to study lines. That's not helping. My brain isn't all there.
I made myself call back all those nursing homes that I'm trying to contact about the theater. I didn't get any of the people, again, so I left more messages. Only one called back, and she called back angry that I'd called back. She'd told me, apparently, that she'd call me, but it's been four days. She said that I had gotten her in trouble because I "kept calling". That was really hurtful. It shouldn't have been. For whatever reason, it was. During the night of my freakout, I kept thinking how Amber is probably going to give her boyfriend goodbye sex before she goes to Scotland. For whatever reason, this bothers me. It bothers me so much. There's not a single logical or rational reason for it to bother me. It makes no fundamental difference, but, there you have it. It bothers me far FAR more than it ought to. Even if it were a reasonable thing to be bothered about, it'd be bothering me far FAR more than it should. I spent a lot of my freakout night simultaneously pining over three different old flames. It was a wallowing bit of self pity. Making it worse is shame over the fact that I can't even find some kind of "beauty" or "nobility" in feeling miserable over girls anymore. At least in the past, I was obsessed with an entity (or thought I was). Or, maybe it was that I was agonizing over a decision. What the hell is this? I'm just whining over things that I know to be impossible and feelings that must be insincere. If I cared about one person, if I pined over one person, that'd be fine. What is this crap? Why are these emotions so cheap? I don't get it, and it frustrates me. I'll try to do a status report next. This is all very disjointed. I'm just frustrated and angry and don't know what to do. I don't find any enjoyment in video games anymore, and I'm finding that life is really hard when you don't have any passive, negative, entertainment to just shut your brain off. I realize that, in the long run, this is for the best. In the short term, I'm frustrated.