Neither Here Nor There in Current Events

I started my day yesterday experiencing a little anxiety and I couldn’t figure out why. I think what triggered it was Toni because on Monday she did some heavy drinking. When I got home from work she was already tipsy. I took a nap and when I woke up she was passed out drunk on the couch in the sitting position. I feel worried like I am going to lose my friend again. The last few weeks that she wasn’t drinking have been really great. My mind shifted to what it was when she was drinking and I created that old narrative in my head.

I managed to create some boundaries for myself regarding my job. I don’t want to feel too connected to it. It’s not my forever job. What I do feel connected to is my team. I like them and they like me and we have a lot of fun. Mike aside. Linda, the woman I carpool to work with, filled me in on some drama that I didn’t know about. Tally is feeling neglected and underappreciated. That made me sad because she is my work idol. Her ethics are so strong, she is a machine there and keeps the climate light and fun. Susanna went home feeling sick and Tally was assigned to finish her tasks. We all celebrated Susanna’s two-year anniversary with the team. Tally just had her third year and not a peep. She’s feeling some type of way about it.

John, my biggest fan, complains about Susanna all of the time. That always bugs me because I really like Susanna. He went off about her yesterday. He can’t stand her slow pace when she walks. Adam does it too and it’s actually a trait of a Cancer. I am starting to see everybody through the lens of the Zodiac now which is neither here nor there. Susanna works very hard and she balances taking it easy also. We all slack from time to time. Except for Tally.

Shelly, I’m her biggest fan, her husband works at a different location and in-team relationships are forbidden but the management made an exception for Susanna and Brandon. Shelly cannot work at the location closest to her house and it strikes a nerve that they allowed this for Susanna and not for herself.

I don’t why all of that makes me feel some type of way. Like, why can’t we all get along? lol. Susanna is very sweet. Very bubbly, very considerate, patient and understanding. She is everything I am not. I catch her looking at me like I am some kind of an enigma to her. It makes me feel smitten. She is a very beautiful young lady. We are polar opposites on that damn zodiac so maybe that is why we are so mysterious to each other.

Today I am off, I didn’t ask Mel, my boss, for any extra shifts. I do want these part-time hours so I can have more time to myself. For a little bit. I need some headspace and to build up some drive. I have no pull to pull me through. In a previous entry when I was talking about Toni and her trapping herself in the waiting to feel like it mindset I was projecting. I am honest with myself when I do that. I catch on slow though. I need to take care of a few things but I commit to my habit of procrastinating. I can push through it. I need to think about how good it will feel once it is all accomplished. It’s just small goals but I haven’t been living goal-oriented in months.

I love this song, it is very pretty. It makes me think about all of humanity. They’re experiencing their own languages, their own cultures and customs. Their own environments and trying to live their own lives and be free, which is our birthright. This world war three, we are all meant to feel isolated and alone but I am not alone. There are people standing up to this medical re-legion we are being herded into. I don’t know, this song just makes me feel grounded. I have a weird relationship with my fellow humans. I also need to stop using the word human to describe us. It’s part of the black magic in our language that is used against us. That’s neither here nor there. I should move on with my day.