Will Retreat To My Hole After This in meh...

I am seriously going to start therapy. I have my faith and I don’t doubt in it’s power one bit, but I need to figure me out. I don’t recognize the person I claim to be anymore. I’ve been so conditioned and formed by this that I don’t know how to just be…me. I don’t know who me is anymore.

I don’t care and care at the same time.
I feel as if I will never be enough. People come into my life and want to change me. The only person in a while who I felt loved me for me was Him. He didn’t care about my weight, my hair, none of that. But somehow I still wasn’t enough. Only now is he saying he wants me to come visit since he and wifey have an understanding. I am kind of traditional in what marriage looks like. I DON’T WANT TO SHARE MY OTHER. Why is that so hard?

I just don’t feel like enough. What’s wrong with me that I can’t ever be enough?

I think back on relationships. Most all of them ended because they were cheating in some form. I just want someone who only has eyes for me. To put into me what I put into them.

I’m honestly at the point where I am about to concede to the notion of being alone. This last assignment didn’t work. I’m tired of opening up only to have to lock down again. I’m tired of inauthenticity. Hell, we didn’t even get out of the gate for real.

I wish I knew for certain what my path was. I need direct direction. I no longer want to figure it out. Give me the actual map, please.

That’s all.
Until I need to burst again. Thank you.

Kindest regards,
Sister