Thanks in Vulnerability

I should probably write again. That last entry was fucking tough but I’m glad I wrote it down. This diary really has been like my form of therapy since 2004 when I started writing on OpenDiary, although back then I was younger and partying and had a boyfriend, so things were a lot more exciting back then, and now that I’m older, I’m trying to figure out what makes me happy heading into my… ^gulp^… 40’s.

People these days around me musts all just be brilliant actors. Give them the award already. Or maybe they DO have their lives figured out. I feel there’s a blueprint already for most straight people, in that they get a partner of the opposite sex, their different parts go together, they maybe get married, they make babies (giggidy) and start a family. It’s how society has continued on for as long as it has and is the circle of life as much as it is in the animal kingdom. But no-one needs a documentary from me. Things are just a little different for gay people, obviously. Straight people told us we weren’t even allowed to get married here until 2017, and homosexuality was ILLEGAL in Australia until the 1980’s (when I was born) and in one state until the 1990’s! Me being me… was fucking illegal. Then my highly religious upbringing sure as fuck didn’t help. I still recall the Sydney Gay And Lesbian Mardi Gras being broadcast on the ABC (at the time) and my dad saying out loud, “They should all be locked in a room and shot.”
Luckily, I was very young at that point in time, probably around 9 or 10, but I do remember as a little boy thinking, “Why? They look like they are having fun.” I couldn’t understand the hate coming from my father.
I sure felt it a further decade on when I did come out. I was getting sent Bible verses in the mail lol. Smartly, I was out of home before that happened, but even today, at almost age 38, nothing of my personal life is spoken about when I go out to my parents place for special events. I don’t visit them on my own accord, although I talk about it. It’s hard without a car. It’s costing me $250 to hire a car on Xmas Day just to go out there. I can’t get a lift with my older brother anymore, as he lives on the Gold Coast now. I’m certainly not close to either of my brotherly siblings, and the one who does actually occasionally talk to me, my sister, is the one who is trying to beat fucking cancer. Go figure, life.
Good news on that though. She’s actually taken my advice, passed onto her through our mother. She’s been joking with my mother that she’s been pushing her to take drugs. LOL.
Her appointment got brought forward, as there was a cancellation and nothing else has been working for her pain, so I’m very proud of her for giving this a go, and I hope it gives her some quality of life back.

But no, none of this is what caused my depressive episode this time last week. Ergh, that was shit beyond shit. i hate-hate-HATEd that feeling. There is no cause for depression, although I feel it was triggered by being asked to work that day when I’d only had one day off after a bloody tough week already and I was so in my head about it that depression saw it’s chance and decided to make me feel like I was worthless beyond belief.
I knew I’d feel better after I got through that day, and sure enough, I did. I haven’t had an issue since (touch wood), but my head did feel bloody heavy from what it had gone through the 18-24 hours prior. I even think about that - how the chemical imbalances (whether that’s a thing or if it’s why I’m gay or not, I don’t know) are like a drug in my brain and therefore have to eventually balance themselves out. I felt like shit, so now I have to feel somewhat better than normal right, as it’s only fair. The seasons on Earth all balance each other out, why shouldn’t I? And if the Bible is to believed, I came from the Earth. And if evolution is to be believed, I came from… thin air? The stars? Still the universe either way.
It still blows my mind that some or most people don’t get depressed. Supposedly that is a thing. Also some people supposedly don’t even have an inner monologue. That would explain people like Trump or Greer. Anyone with no filter, I guess. It’s just something about life and humans that I’ll never comprehend, as that’s been far from my experience. If I don’t run every scenario through my head before making a decision, then is that a wise decision?

I dunno, I’m probably rambling, but I can do that here, right? The whole ‘acknowledgement’ thing works for me when depression rears it’s ugly head. I think I prefer the word ‘awareness’. Like I don’t shake it’s hand or yell at it that it’s there (I’ve learned that doesn’t work and just makes it worse), but rather distract myself, even if it’s just walking, with the slight acknowledgement that I’m aware of it’s presence. Every time it has worked, for me. It eventually gets bored with me and leaves me alone. Like it did after I got my thoughts out here on paper and it knew I wasn’t going to throw myself into the river with the bull sharks.
And then I wonder if demons are real (thanks religious upbringing!). Nice touch for Halloween.

Today is Melbourne Cup. It’s a holiday in Victoria but just a usual day off for me. I think work has left me alone this week because the store manager was aware of my bad last Tuesday was for me. Ironically, I still have some mental health training to complete via the work portal. But it’s taking so long. I started it and then had to give it a break. It’s just been video after video. But that’s not just for me, it’s everyone in the company. I realize the timing and it might even subconsciously have something to do with it, but I don’t feel like it does. Last Tuesday was on me, and I find it fascinating that I am still discovering myself at my age, and I kind of hope I still am into my 50’s and 60’s. If I make it to my 70’s, I’m hoping I am still able to move lol.
Anyway, I was paying a bunch of bills today (Yay, adulting!) and decided to throw some cash on the Cup, as yeah, horse-racing is shit but it’s an Australian thing to do. I lose every year (LOL) but why not give it a go, as it’s only once a year.

I’m still very keen on living alone. It’s totally going to depend on the supply available, like it was last year which the hoards of southerners moving up here to escape Covid. Newsflash people, our borders open soon, so you won’t be escaping it! Anyway, the supply is meant to be a shit-show yet again next year, but I’ve decided I’m going to keep an eye out about a month before the lease is due. I know my current housemate is moving out, and yeah we certainly aren’t close or anything, but at least he’s paid his bills. So once again, do I advertise for a new housemate or do I see what’s available 1-bedroom wise, and have the fuck-tons of more comfort with my introverted-self by actually having my own space 24/7. Fuck, the relief that washes over me just writing that. At current prices, I think I’ve worked out I’d be paying an extra $150 a week in rent. Internet would be full-price but utilities wouldn’t be as bad, as two people wouldn’t be racking them up. I feel like it’s doable. I’d budget well and make it happen. But I think once I live alone, it would be hard to go back. And house prices are insane. Rent’s would have to increase to match, right?
I don’t think I have enough of a deposit to buy. Do I even want to buy? What else am I saving for then? It’d be travel, but they say once you buy, travel is out the window. Is there much of a point of owning a place as a gay man who isn’t going to have a family? (well, except for pets) Do I want to be still renting in my 50’s? Do I like the lifestyle of renting vs the security of having one place in one spot, probably forever. $20,000/$25000 a year in supposedly “wasted money” in rent, or $500,000 and rising for a house and equity? (at least in my city - I have no idea how Sydney-siders do it). It’s very interesting looking at these figures. I guess I have to take it one step at a time and see what’s available. The internationals will return to the country soon and take up a lot of the supply. At least that’s what Reddit is saying. And let alone the whole strenuous process, yikes. Thinking about it makes my head spin.

Anyway, totes rambling entry, but I wanted to write that I am okay. Thankyou for the support. It’s been such appreciated.