Talking to Jay in Phoenix Rises Again

Jay’s band is disbanding. Over Thanksgiving break they will have their last show. And since it’s been the only place I can talk to him, this will be my last chance to do so. After this I will probably never see him again.

I took for granted that the band would always be around rising higher and higher. So finding this out suddenly threw me into a very bad place. I cried all night and was stuck in the panic and numbness and dread. It felt like he was dieing all over again. Or like he was about to and I knew but couldnt do anything about it. And reminded me that I should have the first time. Except the first time I didnt realise how dire things were. Definatly should have but didnt.

On top of that it was the day before I had to move. Wesley brought his brother over early to move out. Woke me up from what little sleep I had and was gone. I asked if he’d come back and help me but he didnt really give me an answer. Until he didnt come back. Not for his bedframe or grinder or bath stuff. And he didnt answer when I frantically messaged for his help.

Kerrie and Asha helped but it wasnt enough. One other friend helped but it wasnt enough. I was struck by frequent thoughts of panic. In the end we decided we’d have to get the uhaul for one extra day and finish in the morning. My dad paid for the truck. We couldnt get moving help on such short notice.

But what gets me is how Wesley just left. Especially since he saw the complete breakdown the night before. I sat on his bed crying. Squeaking out sentences about Jay that probably meant nothing to him. I told him to say something and he said that he wanted me to be okay but he had nothing to say. I asked him to tell me it would be okay. He did. I told him it didn’t feel like it. I asked him to hold me. I got a long, awkward hug. Then later when he curled up to go to sleep, he curled up in the back of the bed so I played next to him, in the front for once. I didnt think hed allow it but he did. And he put his arm around me. We stayed like that till he fell asleep. But my head was mashed against the wall and my neck and arm hurt so I crawled into my own bed and cried a bit more. My eyes were so puffy in the morning that I had trouble sleeping.

I told Asha a bit about what was bothering me. She showed me a movie. I think it was called ‘About Time’ it was about someone who could time travel but if he went back further than a child’s birth he would have a different child. At the end he decides not to travel back at all anymore but instead live each day as if this was the moment he came back to live again. The whole live each moment as if it was your last bit. Very good movie, well done. I cried more.

But heres what I couldnt say. I would want to do it anyway. I’d want to change what happened with Jay and I even if it meant my son would be a different baby. Because I’d love that baby just as much. And hed be born to a different dad and maybe hed have a better start and maybe his dad would still be around.

But more realistically if I could travel back and fix it, the problem would be this: Jay would never meet the girl he lives now. The one who deserves him more than me. And even if he did, say I change the past by leaving before we fought and he moves on and meets her, if that happened, hed surely fail to woo her. He got to try out everything on me first. Over and over till he got it right. Like going back in time. How wrong is it for me to want an equal ability? Just to fix the one thing so we could be friends still? I dont think it’s wrong. He got to fix alot. And because of it, he knew just how to get his girl. But here I still am trying to figure out how not to lose all my friends. Is it so wrong for me to want a second chance?

And I probably wont even be able to talk to him at the show. Not the real him. Or I will and he’ll only be cruel to me. Idk. But if I do I could never say all the things I wanted to. So in case I get the chance for a quiet one on one conversation like I want I had better know what I will say. After hammering over it the last two nights this is what I have so far:

I’m going to miss the band, but if you havent figures it out by now, it was never the band I came for, it was you. This was the only place I could spend time with you. And now it will be gone and I may never see you again so I just thought you should know that all the raving about how great your band was and all the merch I bought, and all the people I told how great you guys were, it was just the only thing I could do to show you how I feel. Because it’s not appropriate nor effective to tell you I love you. You have a wonderful girlfriend and I wouldnt dream of coming between you, but I love you. I have for a long time. And I thought you should know. I want to see you succeed in whatever you do because I love you. And so if you are willing to share with me any part of your future endeavors, whatever they may be, I’d love to do anything I can to contribute to your success in those too. And even though Im a state away now I miss you terribly so I hope our paths will cross again. And if it’s not too much to ask, can I have your phone number? I promise to try my best to only text and never when I’m drunk or suicidal. I’d just like to talk to you once in a while. Its mean the world to me.

I’d try to ask him to go for a walk with me to say this. He’ll likely say no of course, so I’ll have to scramble to find the right summary not knowing how much time hes willing to give me to listen and knowing he might not really be listening at all but just pretending to to be nice. The important bits then I guess would be:

I came to see you not your band, because I love you but knew itd do no good to say it so I tried to show it. And it would mean the world to me if I could have your number so we could text once in a while now that I’ve moved away.

He could say no, but he won’t. He will either give me a number that already has me blocked or is fake or he will say hes going to give it to me later and not. Or maybe he will say no. Maybe he will just say he cant give his number to every fan. And write it all off as if we never knew each other before this. I guess it depends on how cruel hes feeling and how much he still hates me or how badly he wants to see me cry, which I’ll likely do several times without even approaching him but all the more if I get to actually talk to him likely.

It may be safer to ask his gf for her number but of course she would just ignore my texts knowing she wont likely have to face me in it and if she does she can just pull a Tay and say her number has changed like Tay did about 5 or 6 times because she didnt want to own up to hating me.

I REALLY FUCKING HOPE MEGAN ISNT THERE!
but she probably will be. To ruin it for me like she always has. I wish I could see better in her and occasionally theres a glimmer. But then shes back, the wretched beast who destroyed it all.

I wish he knew everything she did and said back then and what kind of a person she actually was to me. But I’ll never tell him. He lives his sister and it’s the one good thing that came from that I guess. I dont want to take that away from him. He loves so few people. And she desperately craves his love. I shan’t meddle with them.

I just want to feel as if I’ve said what I needed to, or will legitimately have another chance in the future.

Maybe I should message him on playstation before I go, see if he has time to meet up. He will just ignore it of course. And what if it makes him ignore me at the show? What if he doesnt ignore it? What if he says yes? Highly unlikely but is the sliver of a chance worth the try? Idk. Not a decision for me to make this week while I’m emotional.

Its 330 am and I still have packing and moving tomorrow and a party after that. I should probably get some sleep.

Gotta remember to call uhaul and extend the time
And also the internet to shut it off
And change my address everywhere…again.

Always so much to do.
Thank God for Kerrie and Asha.