Frustrated AF! in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve spent the last 2 months trying to get my kid enrolled with the native tribe her ‘Dad’ is affiliated with to find out yesterday he’s NOT EVEN ENROLLED!! I wasted time and money to send her information to find out that it was all for nothing. I was so fucking upset that I messaged him thanking him for lying ONCE again and he didn’t care and I begged him to get enrolled but he won’t because he doesn’t feel that I care his sister died. Make it make sense! I spent the whole day feeling very depressed and I was more angry that I could fucking stand it. I had just a splitting headache and was glad when it was bedtime.

I messaged with his Mom who said how we need to resolve our issues so we can all coexist. Um, I’ve spent 4.5 years now trying to make/keep these people involved with my kid just to be mentally abused! I don’t know what more I can do!! I just don’t feel that any of them want to take any accountability for what they’ve done at all. HIs Mom said that she wanted to take her trick or treating and I said that I need for all of them to show they could be consistent first. I can’t allow in and out people anymore.

Starting the 10th, there won’t be school for 19 days and I told his Mom I’m scrambling for a sitter so I can be working. She offered to watch her but it would have to be at my house. I just want to know why him and his Mom are all about watching her at my place when I don’t feel that is appropriate because there’s been so much strife and I don’t trust anyone other than my Mom. He has stolen money and snooped through my personal documents and I just feel that this is my house and I deserve my privacy.

He’s not paid CS again in 6 months. I tried to reach CS office to find out what if anything they plan to do but never did hear back. I am so fucking sick of having no help from this guy. I just don’t feel I should have to do it all on my own, especially when he’s within walking distance and chooses not to work. I usually don’t let this shit bother me but yesterday was the first time I had been super angry in a long time and I just couldn’t wait to go to bed. My brother thought it was stupid that I was letting this guy ruin my day but when his lies have added an extra degree of difficulty for my daughter and myself, it’s kinda hard to not get pissed off!!

I have a job interview on Tuesday at a daycare. I don’t really want to go back into childcare as I’m a single Mom and breaks from my own kid are so limited, but I am hoping that if I needed to take her with me to work I would be able to do so. I’m going to ask at the interview.

The other day I was thinking about just how much shit I’ve been through in the past 10 years along with not having the best childhood and I realize I have a lot of shit that I need to deal with. I’m going to try and find a good counselor next week. There’s a lot of them that you can have your appointment over the phone and I think that would suit me best because then if I’m with my kid, I can just have her play on her tablet while I talk to someone over the phone.

There’s a lot of things going on in my head that are holding me back and I’d like to start dealing with them. I do think I could use some medication for anxiety because I’m just constantly freaking out and I don’t think it’s normal. I know that I’ve always been an over thinker but I have days where I’m in a full blown panic attack, probably from being alone in my head too much.

I wonder if I suffer from PTSD from my previous job. I have nightmares about the way I was talked to and I’ll wake up in a pool of sweat. I also have flashbacks of things that happened there and it’ll completely rock me for the rest of the day. I worry about my next job being just as bad where I’m verbally assaulted on the daily and never getting to leave on time. The only time I can work is when my daughter’s in school so I have to be home by the time she gets here, I don’t have a choice anymore.

A few days ago, I saw yet another bad post about her old daycare. Apparently, the Mom had all the same issues we had with the place not being able to keep track of clothes and constantly having to replace them along with a lot of other issues. I was never a fan of daycare and absolutely hated that my daughter had to be in one and that’s why now I refuse to put her back in there and if she is in one, I’m there too. I don’t think these daycares give a damn about the kids, just worried about the paycheck. I also don’t trust daycares where there ran by people who’ve been doing daycare for decades because they know how to lie, get their story straight, and cover shit up. Even the ones that have cameras because the cameras don’t cover every part of the building or their house. You have no idea what is going on as soon as you drop your child off and leave.

Sometimes I just get super sad about the choices I’ve had to make so that I could continue working and what not only I went through, but how things affected my child. I’m angry that her ‘Dad’ has never cared. I’m angry that I’ve been left holding the bag while he does nothing day in and day out. Even without a job, I still have to get up at 6am and get my daughter ready for school knowing he was up all night playing video games and drinking.

Anways, more later.