Great weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

My weekend was the best one I've had in months. I hung around with my Mom on Friday, ate at Olive Garden, did my Walmart shopping and then hung out at their house til about 9pm. Well, then my Mom called the next morning and we got to take my niece rummaging with us! I was so excited to have her! We got to have her until 2pm an then my Mom had to take her back! I was so sad and was fighting back tears because I wanted her still and was scared that I wouldn't see her again for a long time but then Mom called saying my brother wanted me to babysit but would require my phone number and I told her it was okay as long as his girlfriend could refrain from sending asshole text messages and I got to have my niece spend the night! Oh my God, how I missed my little ham! She is just the coolest kid and I can't believe I get to be related to her! She went home this morning and I wanted to cry but then I remembered that because things have gone well, I will probably get her again next weekend! It's still very tense between me and her parents but fuck...gotta start somewhere. I have to have that kid in my life! I honestly hope we can get back to all hanging out together and have it go back to how it was before. I'm hopeful it will.

On another note, I'm annoyed that my Mom quit her job again. I had to pay for her meal at Olive Garden, give her rummaging money, use my car while we rummaged, pay for her lunch yesterday when we had my niece, and buy her a couple of things at the store. I just wish I could understand why my family are just so fucking moochy! It really pisses me off when they never paid me back that $1,300 and never even tried but then when we hang out, I have to shell out money! I was hungry and I wasn't about to eat in front of someone but it's just such bullshit! Again, I want them in my life but I don't want to have to pay for them when we see each other. Oh and even Friday when I had to take her home, my Dad sat in the house and smoked the WHOLE FUCKING TIME I was there! My Mom and little brother went outside but he sat right there on the couch next to me and smoked. What a fucking rude prick. He knows I have asthma but obviously doesn't give a fuck and I can't say anything cuz then things get tense and then he would just sit there and give me the silent treatment. I would just like to know why it's so hard for them to have any kind of respect for me. She invited me out today for ham but I didn't go because I didn't want to smell like smoke for 3 days in a row and because I've had enough of them for the week. I appreciate the offer but I can't eat in their house because it stinks and ruins my appetite.

I work in about an hour. I'm excited but not ready for my 2 day break to be over. I really do like my job but I love my days off too. I was able to get some stuff done around the house too. I got the trash taken out, laundry done yesterday, bed made with new bedding, put a bunch of shit away and put a bunch of stuff in my spare bedroom closet so that room doesn't look as cluttered anymore. I didn't get as much done as I wanted but it's a start. I am still just so glad that school is out because I'm loving having all this free time!!

Tomorrow is the day that I call and see how much getting back into the gym is going to cost me. I'm excited but nervous because I know I'm very out of shape and the first few times of going is going to hurt but I want to lose weight. I want to get healthy again. I just hate being so fat and I just look...gross. All I know is that when school starts again, I need to make it very clear that I can't stay late anymore because I don't want to go through what I went through before with being so fucking sleep deprived. It was my own fault because they would ask me to stay late and I would because I wasn't ready to go home and what not but the next day, I would be dragging serious ass. I would literally wake up, think about all the shit I had to do until I could go back to sleep. Not fun.

Last night I was thinking about how my life was before I started working and it made me sad. I was so broken, lonely, empty, and just didn't think shit would ever fucking change and it's just crazy how much better life is now. My life is where I've wanted it for so long. I got a job where for the most part I'm happy, I make money and pay all my own bills and I'm in college. It's a lot to deal with, especially by myself but I'm doing it. I thought of my ex and how much worse he made things for me because he was such a fucking asshole. He didn't care about me, he cared about having someone on the hook so he wouldn't be lonely. It still bothers me how no matter what I said I just couldn't get him to realize I needed him around more than what he was and even thinking about it now...just makes me so glad he's no longer a part of my life. I wasted way too much time and energy caring about him, caring about his lack of presence when I knew I had to just let it go. Both of my last 2 relationships were based on loneliness and desperation and even now when I think about finding someone, I have to really think about what I want and why. For so long I wanted someone because I was just so lonely but I can't do that again. I would like to believe that there's someone out there for me and they are hoping I come into their life but for now, I do accept my life and just have faith that I will find someone. I would rather be by myself than be in a bad relationship like I was. I wasted a lot of time chasing people who didn't care about me at all when I should have been chasing my dreams instead. I like making my own money, doing my own thing, not having to answer to someone and being more comfortable within my own skin than before and now that I realize what I'm worth, I will never again let someone make me feel worthless.

It's super nice out today. I'm in a really good mood because I got to see my baby loves and I love that it's sunny out. I'm definitely ready to it to be summer and I would like to start spending more time outside. It's been really windy for months now and that's gotten really fucking old so hopefully we can at least get a break from that for awhile.

So I have about 20 minutes before I have to go so I need to finish getting ready..