I have Questions in Journal

that I would love to ask.
I’d love to ask anybody. I think asking the real questions is what allows us to really know one another.
But, particularly parents.
I have questions that I would love to ask my mother. I know that I would not get honest answers… and the fact that I already know that means it is pointless to ask. But, just that information is plenty. Just that information- the avoidance of honesty- tells me everything I need to know about someone- anyone at all.
It is the questions that my parents refuse to answer honestly, that I have the most trouble with myself. Because I was trained into a mindset- forcibly stuffed into it- by my parents, it is forever the shape and feel and texture of my mind. I cannot unbake that cake. I can, however, become aware of what form the cake was baked in. I can, start to see how the shape and flavor and consistency were all created and molded into what my parents wanted. And then, choice becomes possible.
But first, give responsibility to the ones who chose to bake the cake, as it were.
Responsibility equals choice.
Let me say it again.
Responsibility equals choice.
I have no responsibility for how I was parented. I have no responsibility for the relationship my mother created between us. I had no choice. Moreover, I had no choice plus the incredible neediness and helplessness of a child. My parents brought me into being and decided to starve me of affection. They chose to have a child and then were offended by the needs of a child. They created me, and denied me a personhood for at least 18 years.
So one of the most interesting questions, to me, is this; Is a Mother virtuous for being a Mother? Or, put another way; Does a Mother ever justifiably demand respect because she is a Mother?
Again, to me it is one of the most interesting questions because it’s revealing in my mind the bias against which I was formed. And I do think, it is a bias in which most people are formed. Honor thy father and thy mother as the bible says. It sure is quoted often enough.
Funnily enough, it’s a simple question to answer; and the answer to any reasonably thoughtful person is a hard ‘No’. And a thoughtful person might put it like this; is a Dog Owner virtuous for Owning a Dog? Well, obviously not. However distasteful, it’s an apt analogy. It’s apt even up to and including the question of- well, since the Dog Owner owns the Dog, they are the justified authority figure and can demand respect.
It is apt because the lack of choice on the part of the dog and child are equal. The helplessness to meet their own needs are equal. Their utter dependence on the Mother/Owner for life sustaining resources is equal. Likewise, the Mother/Owner’s capability of choosing to have a Child/Dog is equal. The Mother/Owner commands a monopoly on the ability and power of providing life sustaining resources to the Child and the Dog alike.
The difference between the Mother and the Owner is in the fact that a Child is not a Dog, and will eventually grow up to become an autonomous adult. A dog will forever remain a dog- and there is nothing wrong with that- but the Owner, if he demands respect of his dog regardless of his dog’s lack of choice or ability to hold him accountable- will never see a day when his own principles are universalized. Whereas, the Mother runs the very real (and increasing) risk of eventually being held accountable, and of her own principles universalized.
So if a Mother does decide that being a Mother is virtuous in and of itself, that she is justifiably deserving of respect, then she will find that once her child is grown, she is no longer Mother. Since she made a virtue of the thing she was automatically, she demands respect for a natural process that she had almost nothing to do with, whatever respect that she gets is not for her but for the abstract biological condition of being a Mother.
And so it goes-
I know in my bones that my own mother never thought she would be held accountable. She demanded respect, because she was my mom. And, whatever I would have to say about how good or bad of a mom she was, is almost irrelevant. Although I believe a Good Mother cannot demand respect for a supposed virtue she did not earn, I don’t think it necessarily makes one bad at mothering to demand respect irrationally. She demanded that I respect her position. Like a boss, or a dentist, I listened to her because she was the authority on being a mom. And, exactly the same as when I get promoted over my boss, or fire my dentist after a bad service, I do not owe respect.
I do not owe respect to old bosses, even though I genuinely appreciated their tutelage, instruction and feedback in doing my job. I do not owe my old boss continued obedience. But I respect my new boss!
Nor my old dentist, even though I genuinely benefited from dental hygiene for years and years. I do not owe my old dentist respect for his ability as a dentist once I decided that I was going to hold my dentists to a higher standard. But I respect my new dentist!
And I do not owe respect to my mom for choosing to be a mom, even though I benefited from her parenting and am alive today! I respect the position and services of Mom, but I no longer require a Mom.

This was more philosophical than I initially intended. What do you think?

Last updated October 21, 2021