Much deeper than normal in Second 1st

So I’m a bit haunted this morning.... I mean I’m thinking and feeling abnormal things.... or… feeling like I should journal about the abnormal thoughts? ....

I had a dream last night…I think I mentioned a long time ago about recurring dreams of a man named Michael.... He seemed to pop into dreams when I felt the most unloved or unappreciated. He was the boyfriend in my head that was everything I needed. Well, last night he got replaced. I was having an odd sex dream.... even now (but an hour from waking) I can’t remember who, what, where or why....really.... but I remember a man long dark hair, 25ish, anytime I’d even thought about sex with some other character in the dream he swooped in and pulled me aside for some 1 on 1.... in the dream we’d had sex 4 times in one day.... honestly that used to be normal for us at 25 when we’d first met.... well he was 25, I was 27. Anyway, I was not 25 in my dream… I was not the hot miss thing I usually am in dreams but this guy.... it was all he wanted to do to take me.... take me everywhere, anywhere and he’d never get upset that I’d kissed someone else.... he’d say stupid cliche things like ” I only want to be with you.” and ” I won’t leave you like Michael did.” I woke with a name on my lips. Sebastian. So there is that.... stuck in the strange funk....

There are more thoughts.... not connected....

This dress situation.... The wedding (bestie’s) isn’t until June.... I got my shoes delivered yesterday, they fit fine but UGH.... so they are sandals with this part that wraps around your big toe… I hate that .... it’s so gross.... It’s going to take some work to not cringe when I walk down the isle. However, I’m going to be miserable anyway .... so why not? I hate dresses. I feel so exposed and uncomfortable. There are so many past things I think that contribute.... but I hate them. Destiny knows this. I’ll be wearing all that girly stuff for only as long as needed and have a set of cloths in a bag somewhere waiting for the signal that I can change. Here I am 8 months before the wedding trying to figure out all I need to do to not look like I’ve put on a muumuu on Grimace which is going to get expensive.... shapeware .... I guess I’ll need like high waisted briefs.... because I’m not girly I didn’t know that you wear these like underwear so after trying a pair I’ll probably want 2 more so I can also wear it whenever Jake is around while I’m up there.... and.... There was a girl at work who said “I was bigger then I bought some shapewear and it helped me realize the body I could have. Working out became easier being able to visualize a better version of myself.” .... so that could be a thing I guess.... Then I need a convertible bra. The dress has one shoulder.... but the bra needs to cover the bulge under my boobs so it should have a thick band.... otherwise I’d go with full body shapewear.... so now we are looking at like $100 just to get this dress looking okayish on me.... UGH I hate dresses… give me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt at least 1 size bigger than “fits” ....

also, not connected but for some reason present this morning....

My dad. When I was young he was a gentle giant. I remember he had a shop in the front room of the first home I remember. He built guns, muzzle loaders, and sold the bullets and cleaning supplies people would need for those. There was a place in his shop for my mini piano and I’d play it for customers all the time. lol .... I remember dad going to a daddy daughter dance with me. I remember feeling like his little princess.... UNTILL.... We’d moved out to the farm house my grandmother had owned after her passing when I was 8. The walk from the school bus stop was nearly a mile..... mom came to get me and my younger sister most days.... but not that day. So we walked, no biggy. We get home and no one is there… no one, not even my brother who’d gotten home an hour or so before us. Talking it over with my sister we decided to go to Melba’s. She was an older lady down the road.... the woman who kept a spare key in case we were ever in need.... and my grandmother’s cousins wife.... we were very familiar and comfortable with her so it wasn’t weird.... just strange to go there after school randomly.... my brother was there..... and I don’t remember if he explained what had happened then or if we found out later but we’d ended up staying till late in the night.

My father had been mowing the fields in the tractor. He’d heard something strange and had taken the tractor back to the house. After turning off the engine he still heard it and it was coming from the gas tank. So he opened the gas cap and flames burst from it. Mom ran out with a rug or a towel .... maybe she’d been hanging cloths on the line .... throwing over his arms to put out the flames.... Doctors said that his beard saved his face. Second and 3rd degree burns down his arms. He’d been wearing a t-shirt and to this day ( some 30 years later) you can still see where the T-shirt was because it’s not scared … like some kind of twisted tan line. It changed him. He never went for counselling and when it comes down to it mom would list that in reasons for their eventual divorce. He’s never been the same. Easy to anger, gets startled easily.... sometimes it seems he has no other emotion but anger.... like he’s built himself upon it. After the fire.... I swear he can’t work for anyone, he blames the idea that he’s a perfectionist. He gets obsessed about one thing and then it’s over for anyone who messes with that one thing. So when he has worked (only 3 times that I can recall) he’s gotten fired for not following rules in order to “fix” something .... (smh).... I’d always handed over my own money to keep the house going. Imagine 12 years old babysitting and just taking that money home and giving it to mom to pay bills that they could not. We moved when I was 14 to here.... Where things remained the same. Except I had no one to babysit.... 3 months after my 16th birthday I started working.... there had been a time even after I was a real contributing member that my parents asked us if there were friends we could stay with because they could not afford us. I’d spent 1 night in a dump.... like dog shit on the floor.... with a friend from school/work..... then told my parents I’d pay rent..... My father is not an example or a man. He’s hardly an example of a mouse. It’s just in my thoughts.....

Like why is it so easy for me to take Rocky’s bullshit.... well .... he’s not my dad..... When he gets angry or upset eh walks away.... I don’t see him make sacrifices for our betterment like my mother did but he doesn’t think $10,000 a year is going to keep us happy either. He’s not at all like the dad I knew when I was young so kids are just not a prospect.... but he’s not like my dad

That’s all I think.... I’ve got a couple places I want to go without Rocky this morning. We got groceries yesterday and put 2 places off because they will be in the direction of my appointments Thursday and it would be a waste of gas (according to Rocky) BUT the places open at 7.... and 8:30 and the appointments at 9 and those are all single digit hours and I just don’t think he’ll get up early enough for me to be comfortable.... and afterwards we have appox. 15 mins. to drive 20 mins to another appointment. So I”ll go after the 9am Mturk stuff and be back before the 11 hopefully. It’s 1 item at 2 stores but they are within 1,000 feet of each other. Shouldn’t take long if I’m not actually shopping.