School keeps shutting down! in Since OD is shutting down....

So this is now the 3rd time school has shut down. We waited for 40 minutes this morning for the bus and finally get a call that her classroom has shut down and school will resume on October 12th. I figured I would be super upset because I was the first and second time, but now I’m going to see about her going back to daycare, even if it’s a couple of times a week. I have a bill but they said it wasn’t accurate so I want to know what I owe and start making payments.

I got Covid in August and ended up getting admitted for a couple of days. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital at all but I had pnemonia in both lungs too. My daughter ending up getting it too but definitely not as bad as I did. I didn’t eat for about 3 weeks and lost about 30 pounds.

I got word this morning that school will resume on the 5th and I’m pretty happy to get good news right away in the day because yesterday the day started off shitty and just kept going. We went to an appointment this morning and then got some groceries. My Mom came for a little while which was nice because my daughter just loves her and I was able to run down and get my prescription.

Her ‘Dad’ showed up the other day putting on a show for pity because his sister died. He never spoke of her in a positive light and truly doesn’t care, other than to get attention like he’s always done. He told my friend yesterday that our child will ‘always be there’ and he needs to focus on making funeral arrangements. He has never been a Dad or made his child a priority so I just wish he would leave us the fuck alone. He has mentioned that he’s working but wouldn’t say where either because he’s lying or because he’s worried about CS, as if not paying it for the past 5 months wasn’t enough.

All I know is I am just ready to start working on myself such as meal prepping, going to the gym, getting therapy, and seeing my chiropractor. I love my daughter and she’s my entire universe but I need and want to start getting myself in a good place mentally and physically because I do have health issues and I’d like to start working on the stuff that goes on in my head. As far as everything her SD has done, I am just so ready to put it all behind me because it still makes me more mad that I’d like to admit and probably gets to me more than it should and I’d like to have someone to help me with all of it.

I do know that I’d really like for my friend to block him on Facebook. We need to just completely shut the door on this guy and not allow him any more access to keep creating drama out of nothing and affecting our lives. I feel that I have a lot of stuff that I need to sort out before I even attempt to be in a relationship and a lot of it has to do with him and I just feel like as long as he has some kind of connection to me, it’s making it harder for me to get myself in a place where I could at least consider having a male friend.

It’s hard enough being a single Mom that I really don’t think I deserve to have someone constantly tearing me down and there always being something negative, toxic, and chaotic. I know that I am a very strong person and I’ve developed a very thick skin but I want to be able to let my guard down and let someone in at some point in my life.

I spoke to my friends over Facebook yesterday and they just had to put the idea in my daughter’s head about us going there and I am pissed because she doesn’t forget and I don’t know when or if we are going to go because I need to get my car fixed, it has a coolant leak and I just can’t really afford to spend the money and I really don’t want to.

So yeah… I talked to my Mom this morning and she told me that she’s miserable. She’s sick of my Dad and all his bullshit. I told her that I HATE going to their house because I feel like he’s just controlling me and my child because he is so insecure that she can’t really come to my house and reminded her about how I feel about him being around my kid. When she was here yesterday, she even mentioned that it’s really fucking weird how he’s always trying to brush her hair. She’s told him in front of me 3 different times to not worry about it that I brush it at bedtime after her bath.

I thought about how if my Mom would have gotten rid of him he would have never been around my child. He’s done shit right in front of me and I think it’s because he feels that because I don’t say anything that it’s okay or because he truly has become completely unaware of his behavior. I never allow my child around him unless I’m sitting right there but I know at some point, I’m going to have to come right out and be a fucking asshole. I haven’t because he throws fits like a 2 year old and I worry about him scaring my daughter but something is going to have to be said.

My friend called this morning and I talked to her about blocking my kids SD. I told her how much control he’s had in every conversation with her and with me and it’s time that we let him go torture everyone else. The guy is a fucking wackjob and it’s just not healthy for either one of us to keep engaging in his lies, abuse, name-calling, manipulation, and drama. I told her how I just want to be the best version of myself and start putting all of this behind me. I can’t even consider ever being in a relationship until he’s completely out of my life.

I plan to get back into counseling and start working through my issues that I had long before I had a child. I want to utilize my time while my daughter is in school and start getting me figured out. It’s just crazy how much time has passed and I haven’t been able to work on my own issues because of working all the time and raising a child alone.

All I know is I just want to give my daughter the best Mom I can be and truly feel happy and healthy. I can’t keep allowing negative, toxic people into my life because that’s allowing them control over me and my thoughts.