Look forward to in Stuff

It’s been a strange few days, mentally. Mostly pretty good with a few moments of down-ness. It’s annoying not being able to pinpoint what it is, because it feels like nothing. I found myself filling out the depression checklist on BeyondBlue again, and it gives me the result I already know - “Probably high”. I don’t know why I keep doing it.
I know things that GET me depressed, like thinking about ever being a home owner and still not paying rent into my 50’s and 60’s. THAT is sure depressing and unlikely to change anytime soon. I’m finding myself worrying about what I’ll do when my lease runs out again, on January 18th. Yep, 4 months left on a lease and I am already worried about it. I sure as hell can’t afford a deposit on a place to own, so renting is the only option, and with the massive influx of Southerners flocking into my state to escape a lockdown-life, the vacancy rates are basically zero. Just like they were when I resigned the lease this year because I was worried I couldn’t get anywhere else.
I guess my life feels a bit monotonous, the same routine at work each week, walking commute each day which I can change up slightly, getting depressed at houses being $600k and wondering how the hell Sydney residents afford $1M properties and if they all work as drug dealers and hooker’s to afford it 🧐, never going out (apparently one of the signs of depression).
Even going to Nando’s is something exciting for me. Getting my first jab was ‘something different’. And I’m looking forward to my second, whenever they contact me. Of course I am freaking out about the impending side effects, but what I find interesting about me if that I am far less down about life when I have something to look forward to. The home ownership thing just seems way too far out of reach so that turns back into depression, but I’d love to be able to nail something into a wall or get my own pets. Can’t do either in my current situation, which is kind of stifling in a way. Why can’t I have the love of a pet? I sure as hell don’t have the love of a partner. One needs to go out to meet a partner, and the idea of a club or bar is just not appealing whatsoever to a quiet introvert who doesn’t like most people. How I work in customer service is beyond me, but I do like to be helpful. I wouldn’t have any interactions with people if it weren’t for customers ha.
I’ve also decided that I need another international holiday when it’s permitted. That’ll sure look interesting with the whole vaccine passports thing. I wonder if other countries will list their exposure sites like we do here? Probably not by the sounds of it. But it’ll definitely be a few-normal. I find that I plan a lot when I do those trips and always have something to look forward to by doing so.
It’s so weird still trying to figure myself out at age 37 going on 38. And I’m only getting older and uglier and less mobile as I age, so wasting that time feeling depressed and anxious just isn’t fair.
I read something really interesting last week that major depression causes memory loss, and that no-one talks about it. I sat there as the truth of that sunk in, at least for me. One guy commented saying that he took a trip to Niagara Falls and the only reason he knew he did was because of the photo evidence. I mean, thankfully mine isn’t that extreme, as I definitely remember walking the cobblestone streets of Lisbon and the come streets of London and getting scarily lost in both Zurich and Beijing (note to self - worst city possible to get lost in!). So I find myself recalling those travel memories and being very thankful that I have them. I think these will be the thoughts that make me smile when I am on my death-bed, but it’s nice to remind myself during my bouts of feeling down.
But my point is that I don’t recall MOST of my life, my childhood, my teenage years etc. I started writing on OD originally because I couldn’t remember what I did each day/week. I even read back on entries now and remind myself of them.
I feel like that is depression’s fault. I actually do. And then I try to do a never-ending maths equation on my head as to why that is. I don’t have an answer.
Maybe I need to stop being proud and get a diagnosis. I struggle with the stigma of that making me a weaker person. With so many different types of depression, it’d be kinda cool to find out where on the scale I fit.
I find it annoying that apparently only 1 in 6 people have depression, according to BeyondBlue. How is that even possible? Yet EVERYONE gets anxiety. Just blows my mind. For me they go hand in hand. I think I’m just jealous that 5 in 6 go about their days happy 😅 I definitely have happy days, but certainly not EVERY day according to these stats 🤔
In fact, I know two things that work for me - sleep and exercise. Today’s blue-ness only crept in toward the latter part of the day. I was distracted by the US Open all morning, and Wentworth this afternoon. Maybe I’m watching too much TV. But my Foxtel expires in two weeks so that will be good to get away from I guess. I’ll miss watching the F1 live though.
I’ve got a few more books to read. I like delving into other worlds. I need to enquire why one still hasn’t been sent though.
I’d better go some more exercises as cycling whole writing an entry has taken up an hour and my feet are starting to hurt. I replaced my soles with gelvinsoles though so I think that feels a bit better. I also bought my first water flosser, which was fun trying to use for the first time yesterday. Let’s just say water went all over me and all over the bathroom 😅
The dentist is something else I need to organise soon now that I can use my health insurance. I’m not that keen on going back to the dentist who fucked up my filling. Maybe I’ll just go back to the really attractive Asian dentist on the street over from me. Will probably cost me a fortune even with the insurance, but he has 5-star reviews so that’s promising. Plus it’ll give me something to look forward to.