Why is this still happening? in Phoenix Rises Again

And here I am thinking about you again Jay. Seeing you on the internet and always wishing for more of you. Not more of your face or your body. More of your words, your eyes, your voice. A more genuine you. The you that the public doesn’t get to see. Being an adoring fan eats away at my soul. I’m glad to see you are doing well. But I only see what you want the world to see.

You posted a video of yourself in a bathtub for a promo. I wonder how hard that was for you. I wonder how long it’s been since you’ve been in a bath. Maybe since that day. Or maybe she did for you what I wanted to and helped you through it until it was okay again. I hope so. Maybe after that video you jumped out of that bath as soon as you could and maybe you had yourself a little breakdown. Maybe you just ran into her arms instead. Maybe that apology to your mom was what it appeared to be, an apology to the woman who raised you for having to see a video of you in the tub. Or maybe it was an apology to your real mom that never got to get back out again.

Maybe when I sit in the tub for hours every night it’s because I’m relaxing before bed like I always have or maybe it’s me remembering in the back of my mind how this was going to be my escape from the abuse, just never get back out. Now I’ve made it through and escaped the abuse. I’m living a state away from my abusers, living life on my own terms, whatever the fuck those are. And yet.. I’m still not free. Because every night I sit here for hours talking to you in my head because I can’t talk to you for real. I tell myself maybe one day… then I remind myself that it’s quite unlikely.

I remind myself I need to move on. But I still dint know how. Maybe I’m just not willing to. Maybe I just havent found anything else to occupy my mind on a more permanent basis.

Now I’m crying for you again except now you aren’t here to enjoy it. I miss you. I feel fucking pathetic.

And for those reading who are about to tell me to move in and get over it.. just dont. Fuck off already.