General Hospital Nurse’s Ball 2014 in Thoughts On...

In a word sucktacular.

First, Dr. Obrecht just shows up and bumps the “nurses” off stage and takes over with a full choreographed routine with some apparently random hospital staff. And they had time to rehearse when?

Then they don't let the nurses finish their opening number? That’s kind of a shitty thing to do. It’s not like they left, they were all still standing there in shock or awe since Obrecht’s performance was way better than their cheesy number.

Kiki took the stage with some of “Port Charles’ youngsters” with a lip-synced “Raise Your Glass”. If someone could please tell me when Elizabeth became a youngster that would be great. Also, how is she able to do all this dancing when she was recently shot? Do her pain killers not work the way most pain killers do?

Ned revived Eddie Main and performed a Meatloaf song that made me want to actually die from overdosing on strychnine laced meatloaf. Not sure who the shitty female backup singer was or where they met up in the short time he has been in town to rehearse and put together a number. As a side note, Ned/Justin/Eddie is still pretty hot. Just saying.

Fluke performed some sort of slow jazzy number that I am pretty sure made everyone hit the bar hard. Then he and Tracy got hitched by Lucy in the middle of everything. I am assuming they will get their license after the fact.

Epiphany is super gross fawning over half naked men who I am pretty sure are young enough to be her children.

So the young men of Port Chuck all got together with everyone’s favorite Stripper/Body Guard and performed some sort of beefcake strip routing complete with calisthenics. Milo, Michael, TJ (because this is so age appropriate for a high school student), Felix & Lucas, and Detective Nathan/James. They danced and ended up stripping down to their tighty blackies. Did anyone else wonder how awkward it was for the parents to sit there and watch their offspring strip down? Because I did.

Brad & Britt showed up all snazzy dressed when they had just been sitting on his bed in pajamas eating ice cream out of the tub. And where did she get her dress? Was it in Brad's closet? And he just happens to have a tux? Don't most men rent those?

General Hospital writers can totally eat a dick after the Blackie tease. Seriously that is a total dick move. Also, Lucy introduced him, and then was told he wasn’t even in the same fucking stratosphere as Port Chuck…really?

Then to follow that up with Brad and his autotuned “Brokenhearted”. Honestly, he just walked in in time to see Lucas taking his shit off and then jumped up on stage when someone suddenly discovered Blackie wasn't even in fucking town? Oh and he had perfectly choreographed backup dancers. (As a side note, the actor who portrays Brad directly informed me on twitter that the dance was not choreographed, the “paid off” dancers from “backstage” were dancing around him and were not in sync. I may have to take his word for that, but I refuse to believe that shit was not autotuned. Also, he apparently does own his own tux…again I call bullshit because how many black tie events does a lab tech get invited to? A nice suit I could believe, but a full tuxedo?)

Thankfully Epiphany killed Mr. Marbles, yet continued to try to scam on Milo in a super gross way. If I have to hear Mac whine about that fucking creepy sadistic Mr. Marbles one more time, I am libel to choke him with actual marbles and his nasally whiny wife.

The Haunted Starlets? Are you fucking kidding me? Sam, Molly, Lulu, Kiki & Maxie, singing “I Don't Care”. My god, what the hell happens in the writer's room? And how did Maxie learn the choreography so quickly? She has been in town for what three days and the entire time she has been tethered by animal friendly material to Crocodile DunLame. Also, did Sam get her costume from a Lita Ford meets Debbie Gibson trunk show?

So if Lulu brings Eddie into the Haunted Star all the time, wouldn't the Port Chuck residents know who he is? And also, when did Lulu start up the Haunted Star again? And where is Rocco? All of his grandparents are at the Nurse's Ball...plus he was kidnapped...twice sort of, yet his parents just leave him with whomever and head out to kick up their heals at the Nurse’s Ball?

See Eddie, looked like a last minute fill in. He is dressed like he just got out of the PCPD jail (punny because his song is Criminal).

I get that GH & ABC got into bed with Yoplait, but who stands around saying, "I'm just eating some Yoplait Greek Yogurt"? Especially when one can see that said person is eating yogurt from a container that says Yoplait.

I hate the children. Seriously they are so beyond annoying. So happy that dance was interrupted. But still, can't stand those kids.

So GH teases yet again with Ron Moss coming to GH. The tease is in the lack of details...he is a member of Player, who performed “Baby Come Back”. Best performance of the whole event. And it gets better, Spencer called Leslie before he and Nik left for the Ball and she had time to call Ridge Forrester & he and the band were that close to Port Charles & ready to play a gig? They even had enough time to set all their shit up and have a light show. Without anyone noticing backstage?

There has to be a worm hole in the Port Chuck area of New York.

Gross. Bobbie & Felicia just stand around watching Brad full on tongue her son? What kid wants that?

Why does Lucy have so many costume changes if she never gives props to the designers? Or does that show up on the red carpet after show on the local PBS? Seriously they had a televised red carpet show. Complete with a J Law fall from Sam.

In other happenings: Eddie Maine totally screwed his mom over.

Why isn’t Morgan at the Ball? He could have third wheeled it with Mikey& Kiki. I would have much rather seen his rippling six pack than little TJ’s.

One more day of this shit left. What will they do next? Will Jordan get up on stage and do a strip tease and lap dance Julian? Where the hell is Monica? Maybe Dante will do a Rocky tribute and dedicate it to Rocco. Or perhaps Victor will show up and Lucy can marry him and Liesel and then they can take their son James home and feed him a bottle. In any event, the writers can still eat a huge dick for that Blackie tease. I sincerely hate you so much for that.