Sins of Summertime in Ultimate Randomness

So the advantage of writing in this journal is that I can talk about things I would never feel comfortable talking about with the people in my life. Not that I expect a lack of judgment, but there are fewer stakes to the judgment of folks I have not and probably will not ever meet as opposed to those in my life on a daily basis. So here we are. So what could I be judged for, you may ask? Well, it relates in part to yesterday’s entry. As I said last night, I have seriously been feeling lonely lately. I mean, its been almost 8 years since I was in a relationship and its been 3.5 since I have seen an actual live naked woman and had sex. Could certainly be worse and, most of the time, I’m okay with it. But every now and then it hits me, and when it does it hits hard. It’s bad enough when I get these weeks where I get moronically horny. I usually am pretty neutral, but like once every couple of months, sex is all I can think about. Of course, being single and alone, I mostly have to resort to some porn and my hand. And yes, sadly, I have even stumbled upon some adult games. Bring on the judgment! Well, I found this game in my wanderings called Summertime Saga. And yes, it is definitely an adult game that focuses on the main character getting laid by as many of the women in the game as possible it seems.

I may as well just give a quick synopsis of the game. You play a teenage boy who’s father has been killed and, at the start of the game, is starting to put his life back together, going back to school and trying to figure out what his father got mixed up in that led to his death. Along the way, you romance and/or try to have sex with just about every woman you come across. The mother and daughter you are living with, your best friend’s “landlady”, the girl next door, the outcast artist at school, the bitchy cheerleader, and on and so forth. Meanwhile, you also come across more characters and undertake tasks to pursue the mystery of your father’s death. It isn’t anything groundbreaking and nobody would ever mistake it for a AAA title on par with Assassin’s Creed or God of War. It’s just a simple little game that features alot of nudity and sexual acts between characters. And before ya ask, yes, all the characters are over 18. Doesn’t make it all that much better, admittedly, but at least they tried to keep some morality by keeping everyone of age and axing what appears to have originally been incestuous relationships. Look, I never claimed to be the most wholesome person in the world, but I digress.

Here is the point of this whole entry. Did I get into the game because I was horny and because there is alot of sex and nudity? Yup, sure did. But here’s the thing… that isn’t what kept me playing it. You want to know the truly sad thing? The reason I kept playing the game after the initial novelty wore off is because it has been so long since I have felt like a woman had any interest in me, that when the girls in the game actually pursued my character romantically, I felt wanted. Really fucking pathetic. You don’t have to tell me. I know. But it stopped being about the sex. When Eve, the outcast artist, would be excited to see my character, I remembered what it felt like to have those first experiences of getting to know someone and them getting to know and take interest in you. The nervous embraces, the tentative first kisses, the mutual exploration of each other. The innocence of first love and learning about love with another person. It’s been so long since I had any semblance of that, it kinda broke me down. And that is why I got drawn in. Same thing happened with any of the other romantic pursuits in the game. It doesn’t help that I share a fair few personality traits with the main character. He is sweet. He wants to help the people he cares about. He will work hard for those people. He wants those around him to be happy. He is kinda shy and kind of a dork. Of course, being as the game revolves around his sexual pursuits, the guy is packing and it never seems to go unnoticed. I am not thus gifted myself, so I really can’t understand what that is like. Won’t lie, a couple more inches below the belt and I may have a little more confidence. Again, that part relates back to the last entry about all my hangups. The tricky thing is that its a game. An interactive medium. When its just porn, its just porn. Fun to watch, and yeah, you will find a sex worker you think is hot, but that is usually as far as the connection goes. With the game being an interactive medium, even though it is purely fiction, it sometimes is harder to not get those sense memories and nostalgic hits because you lived things similar to these, like I explained before. And while it is bittersweet to relive those feelings and senses, I crave it. So there you go. Am I a perv? Yeah, a bit. But hopefully, if you are reading this, you can kinda understand where I am coming from with this. I just miss that feeling of someone even remotely looking at me like they feel lucky to have me for their own. If I can fulfill even a tiny little bit of that by playing a stupid game, that little bit goes thousands of miles for me.

So that is where we are. I’m not gonna sit here and try to convince anyone to play this game or even not judge me for playing it. Judge away! I probably deserve it. But one thing it does remind me is that, for a person who loves me and is patient with my flaws and issues, I will go to any length for them. I mean, hell, I still do alot for my ex. I once promised that I would spend my life taking care of her. While I may not be under any obligation to do so now, I still want her to be happy and I want her to be taken care of. For a person who took a chance on me, I would be no less dedicated. I will never get back with my ex. We are both better off as friends instead of lovers. There is never any danger of that changing. But she is my friend, she still cares about me and makes sure that I am ok, and probably knows more about me than any other person on this planet. I would hope whoever I were to be with would understand that and take advantage of her to learn whatever they could about me. I do the same thing with her boyfriends. And they are fine with me being around because we make it very clear nothing is ever going to happen again. But until I find that person, all I can really do is engage in the make believe version to alleviate some of the pain of loneliness. Here’s to hoping that if you are reading this and are going through anything similar, you find the happiness you are looking for. You deserve it.